Which Way Up? by Jeremy Corbett

Author:Jeremy Corbett [Corbett, Jeremy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781742539171
Publisher: Penguin Random House New Zealand
Published: 2013-03-04T00:00:00+00:00

Nesting

There was a certain point during her pregnancy when some bird-related hormone seemed to kick in and Megan started nesting. Not your normal nesting; no superficial spring-cleaning. This was intense nesting, extreme nesting. If birds nested like this they would colour code the twigs.

I would understand this behaviour if her manic tidying and sorting was purely baby related. I nodded when she put the baby socks into their own drawer. ‘That’d be the sock drawer,’ I thought. I was less sure that it was necessary to sort the baby socks into colour order, from lightest to darkest. Seemed a little over the top, but still okay. That’s baby stuff you want to have ready.

Likewise, it’s good to prep the changing area. Ensure the table is safe and stable, sort the nappy basket and consider where the used ones might go. All good stuff. But an hour deciding on the best position for the baby wipes? Weird.

The odd thing was that once the baby room had been micro-managed to perfection then hermetically sealed, she didn’t stop. She was in a nesting frenzy and everything had to be organised.

She arranged the toothpicks in the dining room cupboard in order of size. We never use toothpicks. In addition, they’re all the same size. I couldn’t imagine a situation in which we would suddenly start using the ornate placemats that had sat untouched since they were unwrapped at our wedding, especially once a child arrived, but they were dug out of their hiding space in the closet and stacked neatly for instant access.

I started to worry about her. After one eight-hour stretch of preparation that culminated in her putting toiletries of similar size and colour next to each other, I staged an intervention. I lured her into the lounge by saying there was a vase that was slightly askew. When she got there, I sat her down, gave her some birdseed and water in a wine glass and asked what was going on.

Straight away she told me. Told me off actually, for using the incorrect wine glass and ruining the natural light refraction effect she had spent hours establishing in the drinks cabinet. Then she told me that the nest-o-rama was necessary. Apparently, it was so she would know where everything was when the baby was born. Baby would be the priority, so she wouldn’t have time to go hunting for the Sellotape. She needed to know where that Sellotape was so she wouldn’t have to think. As I pondered why someone would want to Sellotape a baby, she continued. Baby brain wouldn’t be an issue. She would know exactly where to go to get the correct sized candlestick holder we never used. Want a toothpick? What size? Boom! There it would be.

I saw no logic in this, so I did what any man in this situation would do. I nodded.

As previous chapters have established, I am no expert, but I’m pretty sure, outside of the actual baby and its cleaning paraphernalia, the only things a new mum reaches for in the first six weeks are sleep, time and her partner’s throat.

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