V Is for Vampire by Adam-Troy Castro
Author:Adam-Troy Castro
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
P
Is for Parcel
Address changes present the average vampire with a number of unique challenges. As Dracula demonstrated, they can’t just get up and go. They have to hire a real estate agent to find a suitable abode sufficiently shielded from the sun, arrange shipment within a sealed crate, and have themselves unpacked on arrival. This is a pain in the rump even under the best of conditions and presupposes that the crate won’t fall out the back door of somebody’s delivery van and break open in the middle of the road at high noon. But even that’s not the worst that could happen.
Imagine one Baron Alucarus, shipping himself from the family manse in the old country to a creepy, decaying mansion last owned by a Wisconsin cheese magnate. But transpose just two digits on the shipping order and his crate ends up at a holding facility in Miami. There it sits, untended, while the baron molders inside, wondering why his faithful servants have not arrived to release him.
After six weeks, the mistake is discovered and the crate is moved out to the loading dock for reshipment. Except that it’s now in direct sunlight, and enough ultraviolet gets through to make the poor baron give off a little vapor through the slats. This is spotted by an alert employee who wets the package down with a hose. This obliterates the address marked on the side, necessitating the crate’s relocation to a lost packages facility.
It is not excavated for almost six weeks, at which point new staffers wonder if an inspection will help them determine its proper destination. And so they take crowbars to the crate and pry it open, right there in the sunlight.
Meanwhile, the baron’s human servants can only watch sadly as the mansion he’d purchased is repossessed for delinquent mortgage payments.
Is it seriously any wonder that vampires endure sticking around those decaying, cobweb-festooned old mansions?
It’s safer than moving.
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