Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault by Laditan Bunmi

Author:Laditan, Bunmi [Laditan, Bunmi]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub, mobi
Tags: Humour
ISBN: 9780761185642
Publisher: Workman Publishing Company
Published: 2015-04-07T06:00:00+00:00

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Unfortunately, your toddler will probably get bored with her show eventually and want something from you. This is sad, yes, but you can prepare yourself by filling your family room with so many toys that it takes her hours to make her way toward you.

We all say we’re not going to be that parent whose living room looks like Chuck E. Cheese threw up in it, but owning a massive number of toys is key to surviving the toddler years. The toys aren’t for your kid to play with; they’re to serve as stumbling blocks. Keeping your home like an obstacle course will help wear her out. Your house should look like an episode of Hoarders but with fewer rat droppings and more colorful shit.

The truth is that kids will play with their toys 8 percent of the time. The other 92 percent of the time they want your iPhone, the remote, Saran wrap, razors, mail, and other household items. The more inappropriate and inconvenient the item, the more they will want to hold it, love it, and call it their own. Don’t spend too much money on fancy wooden Waldorf toys when, at the end of the day, your toddler would be just as happy to unwrap tampons for an hour. (Those tampons are still good; don’t throw them out.)

Prepare yourself by always having safe trash around for your little mess to take joy in. Fill a trash can with gum wrappers and watch your child’s face light up. Paper. Beer bottles. The cardboard boxes McDonald’s apple pies come in. Toddlers love that shit. You could dump a box of recyclables over toddlers’ heads and they’d be in paradise because the bottom line is: Toddlers love trash.

For your own sanity, never, ever buy toys that talk or sing. There’s nothing adorable about hearing a toy say something ultracreepy like, “Sing me a pretty little song” or “I love when you brush my hair” at 2:00 a.m. as you make your way to the bathroom in the dark. You will crap your pants. During the day, toys that emit noise will grate on your nerves. There’s a good chance that a well-meaning friend will buy your kid one of these pieces of toy chlamydia. Wait until you’re alone and remove the batteries. When your kid grunts in protest, shake your head and look as confused as possible. You can also just throw that shit in the dumpster while he sleeps. Never let your kid see you get rid of them. Toddlers are territorial animals. They are very averse to environment changes. Wait until the middle of the night and put all that crap in a garbage bag. Donate it and let it annoy a family in need.

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