The Bluffer's Guide to Golf by Adam Ruck

Author:Adam Ruck
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bluffer's Guides
Published: 2013-04-08T04:00:00+00:00

You will soon learn to keep your opinions to yourself, your shirt tucked in and your phone on silent.

If you find yourself with an embarrassment of choice, don’t try to set clubs up in a competitive auction, bidding for your custom. Golf is not ready for the ‘what I’m looking for at this moment in time, John, is a deal’ culture. You must decide. Choose a club that has its first tee and 18th green out of sight of the bar and the pro shop, and you are less likely to be exposed as a hopeless bluffer, with a good chance that inexcusable infringements (taking a deep gouge out of the tee, for example) may go unnoticed.

The annual subscription may seem quite reasonable, but there is also the joining fee to consider. This is often disguised as a debenture or a share or an ‘investment’, but it makes no difference. You put your money in, and you don’t take it out. Basically, it’s a Ponzi scheme, with golf. If you don’t like it, go somewhere else.

Enter a few competitions and you will get a handicap, and then you’re up and running. Ask the pro to fit you in a game. As long as you don’t hold up your fellow players, talk too much, make them tramp around the wet grass looking for your ball, try to sell them an insurance policy, or forget to concede any putts inside six feet, they will probably play with you again, same time next week. Welcome to golf, if, indeed, you want to play.

FITTING IN

Over time, you will learn what makes your club tick. One of the best ways to fit in as a bluffer is to make sure you order the right drink. Sunningdale is famous for its Bloody Mary, but in a sad sign of the times, some members have been known to invite the barman to go easy on the vodka. This drink, if you can call it that, is often known as a Virgin Mary, but at Sunningdale they prefer Bloody Shame, and a bloody good joke it is too. The Honourable Company of Edinburgh Golfers move seamlessly from their Belhaven Ale to their single malt at midday. Royal Wimbledon is the place for a Hill Billy (grapefruit, fizzy lemon, bitters), and Swinley Forest for a Swinley Special (secret recipe). You should be familiar if not intimate with the legendary Pink Jug beloved of the Cambridge Blues at their home course, otherwise known as Royal Worlington. Champagne, Benedictine, brandy and Pimm’s No 1 are the main ingredients.

At The Berkshire, where they appear to have named their two courses after vodka – the blue is a bit harder than the red – the authorised refresher is a Gunner. This involves ginger beer, ginger ale, lime and Angostura bitters, a potion which is to golf what Lea & Perrins is to shepherd’s pie. Angostura Pimm’s is never a bad choice in summer, but if in doubt, summer or winter, rain, shine or course record, make yours a Kummel.

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