Still Air by Freya Barker

Author:Freya Barker [Barker, Freya]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Freya Barker
Published: 2016-12-05T06:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Pam

Today is hard. Much harder than I thought.

Dino insisted on coming with me to the funeral home, and frankly, after the emotional events of last night, I wasn’t going to argue. It had left me raw. He’d wanted to stay. When I pointed out he had a worried daughter waiting at home, and a son who needed some time to process, he tried to talk me into coming with him. I was tempted, but I’ve spent enough years hiding from my emotions, and going with him would’ve forced me to do just that. For the sake of the kids.

No—I needed a chance just to feel. To sit among Derrick’s things, touch what he touched, and let it wash over me. Jonas’ outburst, last night, brought up a host of thoughts and feelings that I’d suppressed long enough. Maybe it was time to let them go.

So after the boys left, Dino making me promise to call him in the morning, I made a pot of tea and sat by myself, just letting the emotions flow. I tried not to judge myself too harshly when feelings of anger and resentment bubbled up—and even some level of relief. Fear. Now that was a surprise. Fear of being alone, being no longer emotionally and genetically connected. Fear of losing my purpose, my identity. And the painful realization that the buck ends with me. I am now officially the end of the line, and I’m already two-thirds there. What do I have to show for it?

I didn’t sleep much, mostly dozed on the couch, and dutifully called Dino this morning as agreed. Derrick’s body was expected to arrive at the funeral home around four this afternoon, and I had an appointment at three-thirty to discuss arrangements, and he said he’d pick me up.

I’d planned to check in at Florence House, but the interruptions just kept coming. First Viv called, telling me she was on her way with Francessca with coffee and pastries. That was actually my highlight of the day, cuddling Francessca. Then Brenda called to see how things were. The bank manager was next to let me know the line of credit against the house I’d applied for a few days ago, so I could afford to lay my son to rest, was approved.

But it was the time in between, when I agonized about what I promised Jonas last night; to focus on what I want—on what feels right for me. I never realized how difficult it was not to think of others first. I’m not even sure I know what I want

Before I realized it, Dino was here and I was still in sweats. A two-minute shower and throwing on some real clothes, and I was ready to go. By the time we got to the funeral home, Derrick had already arrived. I could barely focus on the funeral director, knowing he was somewhere in the building. That’s when Dino jumped in and suggested taking a ten-minute break before dragging me out to the car.

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