Sh*tty Mom for All Seasons by Alicia Ybarbo

Author:Alicia Ybarbo
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Abrams
Published: 2016-02-23T16:00:00+00:00

Reminder! A great single-parent driver game is called I Spy Nothing. In this game, all the people in the car except the driver close their eyes so they can’t see anything, then try to spy things in their imagination. Bonus points for anyone who falls asleep during the game.

Managing Mommy Road Rage

If you take the kids on a trip, assume you will lose your shit at least once. But since your only actual goal on a road trip is getting everyone out of that car alive, you can’t be raging on the interstate. Here’s a list of safe people to scream at when you feel it coming on.

1. Starbucks barista. Or as you call her, the Starbucks fascista. You’re at a rest stop on the highway. Does she really need to see your license with your credit card? When did Missouri turn into East Germany circa 1972? Take her down. No—first take your coffee, then take her down.

2. Truckers with girly wheel flaps. The only problem with yelling at these guys is they might be packing heat. Find one who’s headed into the restroom and tell him (while he walks in) what you think of his denigrating wheel flaps. There’s no reason to objectify the female body like that! Also, can’t just one of these smutty companies make a wheel flap of Mark Wahlberg? Fucking patriarchy!

3. Husband. Why the hell did you agree to his solo man-rafting trip anyway? You know why. Because he scheduled it in the spring when you were still getting regular manicures. Now your fingernails look like toes and you’re trapped in a minivan with skill-impaired people who don’t know they’re farting. Put the phone on speaker and when he answers, let him have it.

4. Audiobook Narrator. If nobody else is available, vent your frustration at the person reading your book on tape. Are you listening to a murder mystery, and the narrator’s voice sounds like a cross between Idina Menzel and Beaker from the Muppets? Let it go, bitch. You can’t hold it back anymore. When other drivers see you wearing headphones and screaming at your dashboard, they will swerve out of your way. Good. That perfect mom is gone.

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