Sh*t Towns of New Zealand by Anonymous

Author:Anonymous
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2018-01-04T16:00:00+00:00

Gisborne

There are two types of people in Gisborne: people with chlamydia and people with gonorrhoea. While STD stats vary depending on methodology, the one constant is that Jizzborne is always near the top. Every New Year’s, the Rhythm and Vines festival sees the normally sedate beachside city invaded by thousands of Remmers thugs in NBA singlets and aspiring Instagram models still saving for their first boob job, all wrecked on pills and gurning for shitty EDM music. Due to a dearth of actual attractions, Gisborne markets itself as the world’s first city to see the sunrise, conveniently ignoring Apia. Other than itchy genitals and premature illumination, Gisborne is perhaps best known for its wine, which attracts hordes of pre-menopausal housewives looking to cling on to their rapidly dwindling youth by consuming copious amounts of buttery chards. The area is also the site of Captain Cook’s first landfall in New Zealand, upon which he took one look at the place, named it Poverty Bay, and left after committing a minor massacre.

POPULATION 36,600

FOUNDED 1870

TOWN SLOGAN Where Safe Sex is an Oxymoron!

ALSO KNOWN AS Gizzy, G-Town, G-Block, G-Unit, G-Spot, G-String, Jizzborne, Jizz Bin.

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