Labor Pains by C A Huggins

Author:C A Huggins [Huggins, C A]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: comedy, humor, satire, black comedy, office comedy, satire ebook, satire humour, satire comedy, humor comedy, comedy adult, satire humor, comedy about success and failure
Publisher: C.A. Huggins
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

My nose is bloodied. Lip a little swollen. And the back of my interview jacket torn. Now, I have to get a new one for the next interview. But there might not be many interviews in the near future. Most of these human-resources recruiters operate in the same circles. They all have these professional organizations and mixers. It’s pretty inevitable the story of the interview during which a fight broke out between the two applicants will make its rounds from company to company.

Doug, the HR manager at STD, got drunk once and told a crowd of people at our Christmas party a story he heard from his friend who works HR at Varney Corp. For months at Varney Corp there were numerous complaints of vandalism going on in the office. The men’s bathroom was constantly getting terrorized. It started with someone not flushing the toilet. Now, one would think a grown man would flush the toilet, but sometimes it happens by accident. And stranger things have happened in offices—just remember our current boogers-on-the-wall issue. But then he said it gradually became worse. Next, it turned into the stall having urine all over the seat and piss on the toilet paper. That’s some dastardly shit right there. Because if you see pee on a seat, you might decide to wipe it off, then you go and reach for soggy piss-soaked toilet paper. Nasty, I know. Then he said someone started shitting on top of the seat. Right on the rim. That’s fucking mind-blowing. At that point I wanted Doug to stop with the story, but I was drunk too. So I wanted to hear more as well. Then, they started finding office supplies stuck in the toilet. First, it was Post-its. Then, it was a calculator. A big notepad. A three-hole punch. On top of that, they were smearing toilet paper on the walls of the stall.

Now, the cleaning staff was fed up. They began secretly keeping an eye on whoever walked in and out of the bathroom. And they narrowed it down to some guy who no one had complained about before. The cleaning staff would come to clean the bathroom right after he left, and it was all fucked. However, the days when he did not come to work, there were no issues reported. I asked Doug if we could apply the same strategy to the Booger Bandit, but he said it wasn’t a severe enough offense. Go figure. Anyway, his friend scheduled a meeting with the guy to discuss the offenses and see if he would admit to them. When he brought up the complaints, the guy knocked papers off Doug’s friend’s desk, bolted out of the door, and ran down the steps of the office building. Ran all the way to his car and was never heard from again. He didn’t come back to get his shit from his desk. Left pictures, his personalized calendar, a flowerpot, all of that. How bizarre is that? And I bet my interview story is now going to join that story in HR-manager folklore.

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