Icedome by D.S. Weissman

Author:D.S. Weissman
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: ABDO
Published: 2016-10-14T22:00:00+00:00

LOST TIME, NOT FORGOTTEN

ABE

I’M GIVING UP ON YOU, CAME AND WENT THROUGH ABE’S head a tumult of times, like an avalanche of worries and doubts that cascaded over him, leaving him covered in snow. He had placed Elise at the bottom of the hole and kissed her lips with his fingers, not because he was supposed to but because he couldn’t imagine kissing her lips with his lips with her wrists fresh and open.

In a cold world filled with more questions than answers and too many frozen tears, there had been too much stuffed between them for him to break through and kiss her with his lips. The only way he thought he could have touched her was with his fingers—his fingers to his lips, his fingers to her lips, pushing away all the unsaid bullshit stuffed between them—so he could say goodbye. Now he felt more like a coward than a hero, unlike the firemen he had idolized and more like the boy who had stood frozen on the San Diego shore and watched his best friend fall into the ocean.

There was a time when their initials graced the concrete on a sidewalk in San Diego. They’d come too far from that moment when the cement was wet and the ground was visible. If there were a moment that Abe wished he could run from, it would be this moment. There was a time Abe believed that if he lost everything, he would have nothing left to worry about. With Elise gone he felt that he had finally lost everything. It didn’t make life feel lighter. The world still felt as heavy as it had before Elise died. It felt even heavier now that Elise was gone. Losing everything doesn’t mean there is nothing left to lose, Abe thought, and now understood.

He whispered into the corners of his empty room, empty without Elise and filled with the scent of decomposing mint and basil. He felt so small in the world that was too inconsistent with life to understand what it meant to live, in the snow, in the woods, as some sort of guide for kids who didn’t know where to step. He hadn’t known where to step and could have fallen through the ice.

He wanted to sit in the hole with Elise and not let go. He hadn’t let go of her body after he found her on the bed, dyeing the sheets with her blood. He didn’t know how long he had pressed his face into her chest. If he sat there and pressed hard enough he thought he could fill her veins with saltwater and she’d come back, maybe even jump into the sea and be healed, in the way that they had all been shaped and formed by the sea. Too much had gone already, even in the way he wanted to kiss her lips before he laid her down but couldn’t.

When they were twelve, it was easy to think they would last as long as their initials would, molded in concrete, which meant forever.

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