I Am America (and So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert Richard Dahm Paul Dinello; Allison Silverman

Author:Stephen Colbert, Richard Dahm, Paul Dinello; Allison Silverman
Format: mobi
Published: 2009-12-31T19:37:26+00:00

H O M O S E X U A L S

AND YET…

The biggest threat facing America today—next to socialized medicine, the Dyson vacuum cleaner, and the recumbent bicycle—is Gay Marriage. It’s like the Red Coats, Green Peace, and the Yellow Peril combined. I call it The Lavender Armageddon. And it is the biggest threat facing America today. (See above.)

Now, the Man-Hugger huggers out there are saying, “Mary, please! What about They say this. the Iraq War? Surely that’s a bigger threat than Gay Marriage.” Yes, Iraq is the Central Front in the War on Terror© and We’re Fighting Them Over There So We Don’t Have to Fight Them Over Here.™ But consider this: who, other than terrorists, wants to destroy our way of life? The Gays. Allowing them to marry would be like strapping on a suicide vest with a matching cummerbund.1

When I married my wife she became Mrs. Stephen Colbert. Likewise, I became Mr. Stephen Colbert. We went from being two autonomous individuals to a team whose sole focus was winning the game of life. By winning, of course, I mean procreation. And we have won! We have procreated. And I mean no disrespect to those readers who have not had children. There is no shame in being a genetic dead end.

Dinosaurs are

extinct and more

popular than ever!

Now marriage involves a lot of sacrifice. For instance, my wife frowns on me having sex with anyone but her. If marriage is suddenly available to everyone, I’m not sure I want to make those sacrifices. I guess it’s like that wise old joke: I don’t want to belong to any club that would have gay people as a member.2

At one time (I believe it was 1952), acceptance of the gay lifestyle was so low that there were exactly two homosexuals in the continental United States. One was male, and one was female, so they never tried to get married. But today tolerance is at a dangerous level, and if it keeps increasing at current rates, everyone will gay marry, and our grandchildren’s grandchildren may never be born. Or worse.

They’ll be gay adopted.3

1 Yes, gays, I know: it’s vest or cummerbund. Now do you see my point?

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2 Here’s another oldie but goodie: Q: Why did the gay fireman wear red suspenders?

A: He didn’t. He wanted his pants to fall down.

3 A quick word about gay children. And by that I mean “children of gays” rather than “children who are gay.”

I don’t believe someone can choose to be gay until they’ve experienced either college or The Rocky Horror Picture Show , whichever comes first.

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