How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage by Mrs Stephen Fry

Author:Mrs Stephen Fry
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, Humour
ISBN: 9781908717108
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2014-10-14T21:59:53+00:00

FAKING IT

If your foreplay technique isn’t up to scratch or, like my Stephen, your partner’s simply a bit of an animal, you still have one more option – fake it. It doesn’t matter what it is – headache, toothache, your own death – just so long as you don’t actually have to do ‘it’. This way, you will guarantee a long and happy physical relationship and it doesn’t need to involve you. As that dreadful creature on the insurance adverts says – Easy!

DRESSING TO IMPRESS

If, in spite of the previous paragraphs, you still want to get your partner in the mood, you can try wearing provocative lingerie – perhaps something black and lacy. Women can try this too, although personally, I prefer to wear something a touch more discreet. I find that it adds to the mystery and enflames Stephen’s ardour far more than anything too revealing. I have an entire range of more sophisticated items guaranteed to knock his socks off, unless he’s removed them himself for once.

Firstly, there’s my baby doll nightie – a racy, full-length flannelette number with an iron-on picture of Tiny Tears on the front. Then there’s my see-through nightcap (actually it’s a Travelodge shower-cap, which you’re perfectly entitled to take if you’re a guest, along with those small bottles of shampoo, the towels and the television – according to Stephen). But my piece de resistance, the things that really drive my husband wild, are my crochetless panties (I knitted them instead). All of which play their part in keeping Stephen’s ardour on a steady flame (rather than boiling over). He even refers to me as his ‘Mother I Like to Do Everything With’ – or MILDEW. He’s so sweet.

For his part, Stephen is often only too happy to parade around in his Phantom Menace pyjamas for my pleasure (or so he chooses to believe). Sometimes he even performs a striptease, slowly and carefully removing one item of clothing after another before triumphantly flinging his Y-fronts in the air while gyrating balletically to whatever music the shopping centre happens to be playing at the time.

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