Grumpy Old Men: 47 Kiwi Blokes Tell You What's Wrong With the World by Paul Little

Author:Paul Little [Little, Paul]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780473251208
Publisher: BookBaby
Published: 2013-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

‘Two weeks ago it was Chilean Fireweed, last week African Club Moss, this week, Cathedral Bells’

Believe it or not, after three and a half decades inhabiting the same property, these plants are still not that rampant, mainly because, I suspect, my low-fertility pakihi soils have kept their annual growth barely incremental. Their flowers continue to brighten my garden, not to mention wafting through it all manner of exotic scents. The jasmine that grows all around my deck makes for a perfume heaven twice a year. The banana passionfruit kept all my kids in delicious fruit, just as they did for generations of picnicking pioneers in Golden Bay, who often mentioned in their reminiscences the wild deliciousness of the fruit when celebrating outdoors.

But harbouring such plants today is a no-no. When we hosted a regional field-day recently on our property, for open space covenantors and land care groups, several of the people who attended made it their business to remind me about my ‘responsibilities’ in harbouring a banana passionfruit in my garden. When I half-jokingly replied that I intended to protect it with my life, one of them retorted back; ‘Well you just might have to.’ Two weeks later, this 35-year-old specimen which had always only thrived in life, was dead from a mysterious withering ailment. Lucky perhaps that I wasn’t around when whoever came around dealt to it, because I might have been dealt to as well.

Good conduct is now expected of us on many fronts. television programmes such as Border Security, Highway Patrol, The Force, Drug Bust, even Noise Control, all drive home the message of how we should behave these days. The message is strong and clear; co-operate with us, or we’ll throw the full force of the law at you. It’s the same with the plethora of propaganda distributed by the Department of Conservation (DOC) and local councils like our own Tasman District Council in our own neighbourhood who both practise an active policy of holding up plants that we are now expected, as responsible gardeners, to raise our arms in shocked awe about, before running out and doing something about it. Two weeks ago it was Chilean Fireweed, last week it was African Club Moss, this week, Cathedral Bells is the delightful little plant that fits the bill. This latter plant I am informed has reached plague proportions in my area, even if I have yet to see one. What species will it be next? Roses?

The same goes for invasive seaweeds and insects and even snakes, which have in nearly all instances been imported in the hulls of ships or in containers thanks to our insatiable need for crap consumer goods. Jet travel has made the spread of infectious diseases a daily reality around the world, and we are as addicted to the ease of travel as anyone else.

All around, from the border to the riverbank, we are being informed about biosecurity issues. The invasive didymo has been here for years, but suddenly it got elevated to virtual red alert status of extreme national security.

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