Fractured by Susan Oloier

Author:Susan Oloier
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: miscarriage
Publisher: Susan Oloier

I wake up grumpy. I have every reason to be. There’s been nothing but tension between Lloyd and me for the past week. When he’s at home, we skirt around one another, grunting our hellos, sniffling our disapproval of the other. Even when Lloyd isn’t here, the negativity I’ve created by uttering the word divorce is omnipresent; the ghost living in the attic, creaking and rattling to let me know it’s always there.

Instead of a cup of morning coffee or a cigarette out on the patio, I opt for the Percocet. It lulls me into a belief that everything is okay. And perception is reality. Isn’t it?

I go through the motions of getting ready for work: a shower, a set of clothes that match more than they don’t, a toothbrush over the teeth, a comb through the hair, and a dusting of makeup on the face. I grab my multiple bags and loose books, which seem to drag behind me like aluminum cans at the back of a Just Married car. Except my car comes with the fine print that says, Considering Divorce.

I work hard to avoid colleagues and students before the witching hour when the bell rings. I park in the back lot that serves as overflow for late-comers. It’s the least desirable of spaces, but enables me to avoid human contact. I want to be left alone for as long as I can. But a school is peppered with people, so I dutifully greet a student here, a fellow teacher there. I’m almost to my room when I see her at the end of the hallway like a billboard. I instantly come to a standstill. Panic sets in at the sight of her growing belly, the life that flourishes inside of her. My breath catches inside my airway like a trapped animal. It doesn’t know whether to come out or go back in. The sound of her laughter is too much to bear. I really can’t breathe now. My books topple from my arms to the floor; my bag slips off my shoulder; I begin to hyperventilate.

One of my students comes to my side.

“Ms. Kincaid, you all right?”

She turns, separating herself from her happiness at the sight of my wrecked self on the floor. She toddles over to help. But I don’t want her assistance. I want her to stay as far from me as she can. It’s hard enough to see her across the room. I definitely cannot handle her within my personal space, knowing she’s as far along in her pregnancy as I’m supposed to be.

I turn to Kelsey, my student. “I’m fine.” I scoop my belongings from the floor with more desperation than I knew I possessed. “Dizzy spell. It’s what I get from not eating breakfast.”

Kelsey still appears concerned, but I have no time to allay her fears. I simply have to get the hell out of there before she arrives.

I hear her call out to me. “Everything okay? Want me to call someone?”

I ignore her.

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