Bowlology: Cricket, Life and Stories from the Avenue of Apprehension by Damien Fleming

Author:Damien Fleming
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Non-fiction, Australia, sport, humour, sporting anecdotes, Damien Fleming, cricket, bowlology, Merv Hughes, Warwick Todd, David Boon, Michael Bevan, Simon O’Donnell, Jamie Siddons, Paul Reiffel, Bill Lawry, INXS, Dennis Lillee, Allan Border, Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, Inzamam-Ul-Haq, Salim Malik, Mark Waugh, Mike Whitney, Dean Jones, Michael Slater, Steve Waugh, Craig McDermott, Michael Atherton, Graham Gooch, Peter McIntyre, Brian Lara, Phil Simmons, Brendon Julian, Greg Hoy, Justin Langer, Mark Waugh, Michael Bevan, Darren Lehmann, Brad Hogg, Craig McDermott, Adam Gilchrist, Sachin Tendulkar, Azharuddin, Michael Kasprowicz, Wasim Akram, Michael Clarke, Greg Blewett, Damien Martyn, Ian Healy, Brett Lee, Matthew Hayden, Andrew Symonds, Ricky Ponting, Jason Gillespie, Tim May, Jo Angel, Stuart MacGill, Colin Miller, Geoff Marsh, Richie Benaud, Thank God You’re Here, Slumdog Millionaire, Baby John Burgess
Publisher: The Five Mile Press
Published: 2013-06-25T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter 23

Nerds and Julios

I remember being shocked to read that gear belonging to Michael Clarke and Michael Kasprowicz was stolen from the Australian dressing rooms during the 2005 Ashes series. Fortunately, I was able to see the relevant insurance claims, which revealed two drastically different individuals.

Clarkey’s claims were for hair dye, wax, gel and mousse, Calvin Klein aftershave, moisturiser, lipbalm, facial scrub, a personal mirror, three Diesel shirts, a hairdryer and an iPod with Bose speakers. Kasprowicz’s claims were simpler: a couple of AC/DC tapes, flannel shirts, ugg boots and his Teac cassette player. He lost some shavers, but no problems – he just grew a beard.

The difference this revealed was that Clarkey is a Julio and Kasper is a Nerd. Julios are named after Julio Iglesias; just like the great Latin singer, these players take too much pride in their personal appearance. Nerds – who take their name from Louis and Gilbert from the 1983 college comedy Revenge of the Nerds – are people who are fashionably challenged.

Much has been written about losing the 2005 Ashes series, and various reasons for our loss have been given. But no one has considered the possibility that the team was unbalanced, being weighted too heavily towards the Julio-type players. Less hair product and teeth whitener and more bowl cuts and outdated facial hair could be the key to an Australian resurgence.

The concept of Julios and Nerds in the Australian team was created on the 1993 Ashes tour. The first contest between the two camps was the decidedly nerdish game of ten-pin bowling, which surprisingly the Julios won. From that day, training session games were no longer a leisurely warm-up for the nets. No, this was warfare; each game of soccer, touch footy, Aussie Rules or foccor (which I’ll explain later) was a battlefield of Gladiator proportions.

The Nerds generally had the better of the two teams on the sporting field, due to some superficial injuries that hurt the Julios. Split fingernails, ruffled hair and creased shirts were the main injury concerns.

With the help of some former teammates, I have selected a dream team of Julios vs Nerds.

Julios

Michael Slater: Opening batsman who set up Test matches early with his daring strokeplay, particularly square of the wicket. A pocket dynamo with the bat; a real match-winner who preferred hitting boundaries to running singles. Probably Australian crickets first ‘manscaper’ – he once shaved off every single hair on his body in India in 2001. Had a mancrush on Jon Bon Jovi and also owned a smorgasbord of bubblegum-pop records that any 15-year-old girl would be proud of, including Britney Spears, Aqua and the Backstreet Boys.

Greg Blewett: Classy performer who smashed hundreds against England in his first two Tests. Always on the cutting edge of fashion, but at 41 does he have to dress like an 18-year-old? Had an eagle eye for any fashion mistake or any embarrassing physical fault in a teammate. For example, at the bar he would ask if you wanted a beer and also one for your mate, pointing at a pimple on your face.

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