The Howard Miracle by John Clarke

Author:John Clarke
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Australian humour and politics
ISBN: 9781921776793
Publisher: The Text Publishing Company
Published: 2011-11-28T05:00:00+00:00

THE HON. JOHN HOWARD, PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA

In which we try to be as understanding as possible at this difficult time.

Mr Howard, thanks for your time.

Oh, good evening. Nice to be with you.

I wonder if I could ask you about the collapse of One.Tel?

Yes, indeed, a very interesting issue, this.

Let me get this right—you’re supporting the union’s case for redundancy payments.

I certainly am. What you’ve got here is a company that was run, frankly, by a couple of cowboys.

This is James Packer and Lachlan Murdoch?

No, no. They didn’t run One.Tel.

They were on the board.

They were on the board. But they weren’t aware of what was going on with the company.

Why wouldn’t they know what was going on in the company if they were on the board?

I don’t know. They didn’t explain that to me.

Are they on the board of many companies?

Look, I’d rather get on and discuss one or two other things. But there are a number of very plausible reasons why James Packer and Lachlan Murdoch could be on the board of a company without knowing the detail of what was going on with the company.

What reasons?

They may have attended board meetings, for example, during periods of temporary deafness.

Temporary deafness caused by what?

Oh, a number of things—deep-sea diving. They could have spent many years in the artillery.

But couldn’t they read the board papers?

Perhaps there were important, significant elements of the information about the financial position of One.Tel which didn’t reach them.

Why not?

There may have been a postal strike or something.

There hasn’t been a postal strike.

Perhaps they attended the board meeting, fully equipped and prepared to speak, but were positioned in an inauspicious point of vantage. Behind a pillar or something.

And couldn’t see?

And couldn’t see! Exactly! There may have been a lot of glare.

What, off the pillar?

Indeed. Yes. Pillar glare.

Mr Howard, why are you helping the union and workers?

As I have said for a number of years, and my record is very clear on this, I believe that Australians deserve a fair go. I think that’s a very Australian thing. I think this is one of the things that makes this such a great country.

You are John Howard, aren’t you?

Yes, of course, I’m John Howard.

Do you have any identification on you at all?

I have my parliamentary ID. (He hands it over.)

That’ll do.

Of course I’m John Howard. You asked me to come in here and I came in.

(He reads from the ID.) It says you’re John Howard.

Of course it does. I am John Howard.

Married.

That’s right.

Industrial relations activist.

That’s right.

Are you familiar with the name Peter Reith?

Peter Reith, Peter…not a name I know, no.

Can I ask you to look at this photograph?

Never seen him before in my life, Your Honour.

Do you have a brother Stan?

Righto, that’s it—

Is he involved in this company?

Everybody out, all the union members, out in the carpark. Now!

Mr Howard, what for? What are you doing?

Fire drill!

Fire drill?

Fire drill, very important.

Where’s the fire?

Don’t worry about the fire. I’ll start the fire. Get out. You’ll get burnt.

Fire drill!

Mr Howard, there’s no fire.

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