The Death of Small Creatures by Trisha Cull

Author:Trisha Cull
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Memoir, Mental Illness, Substance Abuse, Journal
ISBN: 9780889710412
Publisher: Harbour Publishing
Published: 2015-04-18T04:00:00+00:00

I spend my days in halos of Febreze and artificial light. I clean, propelled by champion impulses to destroy every germ, granule or crumb I encounter. I clean because I hate myself, and all I can think to do to quell the self-hatred is to put the world in order so that at least the space around me is less contaminated. I clean because it is better to be an ugly thing in a clean room than an ugly thing in a dirty room and because, quite simply, I can’t stop moving.

The amphetamine aspect of the DXM hurtles me into motion. I last for an hour then collapse on the couch, then leap up again and start cleaning all over. I vacuum cobwebs from the corners of the ceiling, dust with a Swiffer extendable duster that can reach awkward places, like the tops of the kitchen cupboards and the insides of those hideous saucer-style light fixtures, those little bug graveyards.

I sit on the back porch steps in my pyjamas at three in the afternoon, hug my knees to my chest. There is nowhere to go. Out there in the world, I feel harangued, pronged, meat on a hook; a skinned pig hanging from a hook in a window in Chinatown. I put on slippers and saunter down the driveway as a test, but pain crushes me so badly I can’t breathe. I hurry back inside, run to the bunny couch and tremble, my pulse in my throat.

This is hell on earth.

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