Clean by Juno Dawson

Author:Juno Dawson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hachette Children's Group
Published: 2018-04-02T16:00:00+00:00

The rain has eased off. In fact, from the terrace, I can see black clouds carrying it out to sea like a sky armada. And yes, it smells of Basic.

Kendall and I have a cigarette while Saif, Guy and Brady throw a rugby ball around on the wet grass. At the other end of the lawn, Sasha sits by herself in an old swing tied to a sturdy oak. I think she’s probably doing it to psych me out, but I swear she’s staring at me. She isn’t even swinging, just watching.

With a war cry, Saif tackles Brady and they both slide through the mud. ‘Dude, I look like I shit myself!’ Brady shouts. Saif can hardly breathe for laughing. Mud really does cake his arse. It’s still a lovely bum. I crease up again inside, remembering the shame-a-thon in his room. I stub out my cigarette.

‘You like him, don’t you?’ Kendall says. ‘Brady.’

I give her a withering look. High school gossip is not my fave. ‘Really?’

‘Lexi, what else are we going to talk about? How many days clean are we?’

‘Valid. What do you want me to say? That he’s gorgeous? He is. That he’s lovely? He’s that too. Oh, but wait . . . what’s that? He’s a recovering sex addict and I have a boyfriend.’

Her eyes widen. ‘You have a BF? You never said, you shady bitch.’

‘I do. God, give me another fag if we’re gonna have a big bloody chat. Yes, I have a boyfriend. His name is Kurt. I’m sure if you could read Goldstein’s notes he’d tell you it’s not massively healthy. I don’t know.’ I take a deep drag. Then another.

‘Don’t know what?’

‘This. Being here. It’s like my life got snapped off into a right angle. It was all heading one way. I thought I knew everything. Now I’m not so sure. Of anything. It’s not like I planned on being here.’

‘I hear that. Where do you think you were headed? The doctor told me I was going to die if I didn’t eat. At one point I was just over six stone. I didn’t care.’

‘Do you care now?’

She finishes her cigarette. ‘I’m happier than I was. I don’t want to die. I just don’t wanna eat. And don’t change the subject. This is about you.’

I scratch my ratty hair. It needs a wash. ‘I don’t think I’d have died. It really wasn’t as dramatic as it looked and I’m not a moron. This is going to sound insipid, but I didn’t really see a future. Just Kurt. He was it.’

‘OK, that’s a little depressing.’

She’s right. It is. ‘I didn’t realise how high I was. I was ten feet off the floor. Like a ghost . . . disconnected from everything, walking through walls.’ I wave my cigarette around, brushing off the unease. ‘Hey, will you do me a favour? Don’t tell Brady I have a boyfriend. I know nothing can happen . . . but I don’t know what’s going on with either of them right now.

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