147 Things by Jim Chapman

Author:Jim Chapman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pan Macmillan UK

Thing 54:

We all like big butts and we cannot lie

Butts are brilliant. Have you noticed how the human rump is larger and more bulbous than that of most other animals? Each cheek is made up of two fairly large muscles (the gluteus maximus and gluteus medius), as well as a generous helping of fat that makes them super comfy to sit on. These muscles and fat are what gives our buxom bottoms their shape, but the anatomy alone doesn’t explain why we need such voluptuous rear ends. Surely we could have those fat deposits on our feet to make sitting less necessary, or spread over our entire bodies for better insulation, or we could have altogether smaller gluteus muscles to save on the energy it costs to run them? The reason our bodies are so bootylicous is because we walk upright, and it’s our derrière that helps make this so.

Did you know a well-conditioned human can outrun a horse? Not for speed, but over distance. Being bipedal is a more efficient way of covering ground than walking on all fours, but it does require a rather large behind to keep us upright and balanced. It’s totally worth it though, because it provided us with the means to hunt for our food before we learned to use traps and projectiles. When an animal is scared (in this instance, it’s the horse we are going to eat), it will likely bolt off, full tilt, to escape the danger. Running like this can’t be sustained for long and, before you know it, our horsey meal is exhausted and will either slow to a canter or stop altogether. That’s a great strategy if you’re running from a lion, because they too can only sprint in short bursts and, as long as the horse gets far enough away before they are both pooped, the prey animal lives to run another day. However, humans are not your typical predator and, while the horse is having a lie-down to gather its energy, good old Blorph-the-padfoot (that’s the name of our big-butted hero; he’s really good at tracking, by the way) has been following its trail at a steady jog. Once he catches up to the exhausted and defenceless animal, he quickly dispatches it, dismembers it and carries it home for the tribe to eat. The horse gets eaten and Blorph is a champion (in reality, Blorph would most likely have had accomplices, but I couldn’t think of anymore prehistoric names, so I kept to just Blorph, the lone wolf).

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