The Complete Yes Prime Minister by Jonathan Lynn & Anthony Jay

Author:Jonathan Lynn & Anthony Jay
Language: eng
Format: mobi
ISBN: 9781446416501
Publisher: Ebury Publishing
Published: 2020-03-25T16:00:00+00:00

June 26th

I couldn’t talk to Humphrey about Sir John Halstead on Friday. I had appointments all day and so had he. But this morning we had a meeting already pencilled in.

It was to be about the defence cuts that I’m looking for. I decided to have the meeting as planned, and then have a private word with Humphrey afterwards.

I’ve been trying to find as many small savings in the defence budgets as I can. Defence expenditure in this country is completely out of hand. By the mid-1990’s we shall only be able to afford half a frigate. This, I surmise, will be inadequate for our naval defences. The Secretary of State for Defence is getting nowhere so I have decided to take a look myself.

A simple way has emerged of saving three million pounds, for instance, and the Service Chiefs say it can’t be done. Humphrey is backing them, of course, with the argument that any defence savings can be dangerous.

Ironically, the suggestion being made by the Service Chiefs is to close a hundred miles of coastal Radar Stations. And I know why they’re suggesting that particular economy: because it is dangerous, and therefore they know that I won’t agree to it! But I’m suggesting that they start eating some of their forty-three years’ supply of strawberry jam instead of buying more.

Humphrey couldn’t – or wouldn’t – see how that would help. ‘As I understand it, Prime Minister, the Army haven’t got any strawberry jam. It’s the Navy that’s got it.’

He’s right. But the army have seventy-one years’ supply of tinned meat. And the RAF, which has no strawberry jam lake and no tinned meat mountain, has fifty-six years’ supply of baked beans. So I am trying to get across to Humphrey and the MOD that the Army and the RAF should eat the Navy’s strawberry jam, and the Navy and the RAF should eat the Army’s tinned meat, and the Army and the Navy should eat the RAF’s baked beans. And if they did that with all the other surpluses too we’d save £3 million a year for four years. And I do not believe that the defence of the realm is imperilled by soldiers eating sailors’ jam!

Bernard had an objection. ‘The RAF’s baked beans are in East Anglia and the Army’s tinned meat is in Aldershot and the Navy’s jam is in Rosyth. So it would mean moving the beans from …’

I stopped him there. ‘Bernard,’ I asked, ‘if our armed forces can’t move a few tins of baked beans around Britain, how can they intercept guided missiles?’

Bernard seemed perplexed by the question. ‘But you don’t intercept missiles with baked beans, you have long pointy things which go …’ I told him to shut his mouth. At which point Humphrey reluctantly agreed that it could be done, but added that it would be extremely complicated. ‘The administrative costs would outweigh the savings.’

But no one’s even worked out the administrative costs. And why? Because there’s no need – they

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