Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by Emily Thiroux Threatt

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by Emily Thiroux Threatt

Author:Emily Thiroux Threatt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Mango Media
Published: 2020-12-16T16:00:00+00:00


Chapter 15

What Others Say

“ ‘I’m sorry for your loss’: the aloha of condolences.”

—Laurie Kilmartin

When someone dies, people have a tendency to feel they need to say something to address what happened, so they will something useless, like, “I’m sorry for your loss,” then skip right over to the next thing that they want to say, like “When are you coming back to work?” or “How about those Dodgers?” I got to the point where, when someone said “I’m sorry for your loss,” I could barely be civil, so I generally didn’t respond at all. Were they comparing my tragedy to losing their car keys? I wanted to say, “I didn’t lose my husband. He died.” And at the same time, I knew they were doing the best they could. That feeble phrase is probably the condolence most often offered. What does this mean to you?

You have the opportunity to respond to what someone says to you about your situation in ways that can help you and that may even help the person speaking to you. Generally, when someone says something to you about the death of your loved one, they do care. They don’t mean to be hurtful. They may just be repeating something they heard someone else say because they just don’t know how to express what they are feeling. Let’s look at some of the common things people say to someone who is grieving and explore ways you can respond.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Instead of just saying thank you, try saying something like “I know your friendship meant the world to him,” or “I am sure you are hurting, too.” This kind of response can lead to a conversation that can help both of you to ease the pain and have a deeper understanding of each other. And sometimes, “Thank you” may be all you can say, and that’s okay.

“How are you doing?” The person who says this may think they want to know the real answer to this, but chances are they don’t. If you respond with “Fine” or “Okay,” generally they will go on to talk about something else. People said this to me a lot, and I always responded, “The best I can.” That was the truth for me at that moment. What could have been more helpful is to be more specific. You could say something like, “I am feeling better than I was, but I would love to spend some time with you to just talk.” This would open an opportunity for you both.

“Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.” People usually would like to help, but don’t know what to do. Instead of answering, “Okay, I will,” try asking for something that would really help right then, like asking them to get some stamps for thank-you notes from the post office for you. Or ask for some help with childcare so you can have some time for yourself. Or ask them to go to lunch with you because you aren’t comfortable going out alone right now.



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