Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by Emily Thiroux Threatt
Author:Emily Thiroux Threatt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Mango Media
Published: 2020-12-16T16:00:00+00:00
Chapter 15
What Others Say
â âIâm sorry for your lossâ: the aloha of condolences.â
âLaurie Kilmartin
When someone dies, people have a tendency to feel they need to say something to address what happened, so they will something useless, like, âIâm sorry for your loss,â then skip right over to the next thing that they want to say, like âWhen are you coming back to work?â or âHow about those Dodgers?â I got to the point where, when someone said âIâm sorry for your loss,â I could barely be civil, so I generally didnât respond at all. Were they comparing my tragedy to losing their car keys? I wanted to say, âI didnât lose my husband. He died.â And at the same time, I knew they were doing the best they could. That feeble phrase is probably the condolence most often offered. What does this mean to you?
You have the opportunity to respond to what someone says to you about your situation in ways that can help you and that may even help the person speaking to you. Generally, when someone says something to you about the death of your loved one, they do care. They donât mean to be hurtful. They may just be repeating something they heard someone else say because they just donât know how to express what they are feeling. Letâs look at some of the common things people say to someone who is grieving and explore ways you can respond.
âIâm sorry for your loss.â Instead of just saying thank you, try saying something like âI know your friendship meant the world to him,â or âI am sure you are hurting, too.â This kind of response can lead to a conversation that can help both of you to ease the pain and have a deeper understanding of each other. And sometimes, âThank youâ may be all you can say, and thatâs okay.
âHow are you doing?â The person who says this may think they want to know the real answer to this, but chances are they donât. If you respond with âFineâ or âOkay,â generally they will go on to talk about something else. People said this to me a lot, and I always responded, âThe best I can.â That was the truth for me at that moment. What could have been more helpful is to be more specific. You could say something like, âI am feeling better than I was, but I would love to spend some time with you to just talk.â This would open an opportunity for you both.
âLet me know if there is anything I can do for you.â People usually would like to help, but donât know what to do. Instead of answering, âOkay, I will,â try asking for something that would really help right then, like asking them to get some stamps for thank-you notes from the post office for you. Or ask for some help with childcare so you can have some time for yourself. Or ask them to go to lunch with you because you arenât comfortable going out alone right now.
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