Love, Lies, and I Can't Even by Katie Bryan

Author:Katie Bryan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Relationships > Love & Romance, dog lovers, laugh out loud, Sophie and Jack, Sophie and Max, heartwarming dog story, funny dogs, Dogs, funny dog stories for adults, funny dog stories, dog humor, funny dog books, dog rescue, funny dog books for adults, speed dating, Contemporary romance, romance, Women's Fiction > Romance, romantic comedy, sports hero romance, contemporary women, single woman, contemorary woman, hilarious, Multicultural, Italian, World Literature > Italian, satire, Genre Fiction > Satire, classics humor, pop culture, dating and relationships, Women's Fiction > Humor, Genre Fiction > Small Town & Rural, Irish, small town and rural, small town, Humor & Satire > Literary Humor, short stories single author, Women's fiction short stories, american, Animal Care & Pets > Essays, comedy, dating humor, sports hero, hashtags, southern fiction, Contemporary fiction, Genre Fiction, Contemporary Fiction > Women's Fiction, women's fiction, Genre Fiction > Animals, family and relationships, family life, absurdist, action, clean and wholesome, new adult, young adult, collections
Publisher: Love, Laugh, Bark Productions
Published: 2019-02-06T00:00:00+00:00

The Dog Ate My Homework And Pooped Out A Date

As I watched the women arrive, I grew disheartened. Nearly expendable. Most of the newly arrived women were simply gorgeous. I could only hope they had lousy personalities except that would be mean and petty. Since Jack hasn’t bothered to see me in nearly a month, I’d just leave him to it. Or them. Whichever.

Although...I could maybe drop a few hints that Jack wasn’t quite right in the head or something. Or even lie outright. But no. I was going to play fair and square and now, well, now Jack was going to have to work for it. It being me.

But when I saw sexy blonde twins and a brunette with swishy hair who looked like she’d just strolled off the pages of a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, I suddenly had a whole list of things I could say. Not that I would since they were all lies, but still. Wasn’t there a saying about all things being fair in love and war speed dating?

Maybe I’d just casually mention a few things, like:

Jack? Sure, I know Jack. He’s a total mama’s boy. Buy bibs. And watch out, his mom makes Sasquatch look like a sissy. (She’s actually a lovely woman, but still)

Jack? Mamma mia. He’s never even heard of Ernest Hemingway. Total Neanderthal. And his ass looks like oatmeal. Has a back like a Gorilla.

Jack? Oh. Well. He likes to channel Liberace. Minus the piano. Plus, he’s only into threesomes.

Jack? O’Donlan? Ugh. He hasn’t brushed his teeth since Y2K.

Oh, sure, I know Jack. He’s really into insults. Especially about his penis. And it takes a hard left.

I sighed. If any of that were true, it would make my life easier. But no. Even Max seemed to be happier when Jack was around. Of course that might be because Jack brought Buttercup and Tilley along.

Jack walked over with Buttercup and I automatically went into complete nonchalant mode. Since I hadn’t heard from him in nearly a month, I’d give him a warm but formal reception, as though we were meeting for the first time at some ambassador’s reception.

“Hello, Jack. Nice to see you again.”

Jack smiled, all white teeth, dark hair, and blue eyes. I hated when he did that, especially when all I wanted was to stay mad. His eyes got crinkly and his smile was all sincere, and my insides instantly turned to mush. I realized too late I should have gone with acting as though I were glowing radioactive.

“Sophia. You’re looking lovely as always. Like a beautiful kaleidoscope of color.”

I made myself ignore the charm. Instead I noticed his dog and asked, “What’s the matter with Buttercup?”

“Nothing, why?”

“I’ve never seen a Golden Retriever anything but joyfully and gleefully ecstatic. Buttercup seems downright gloomy.”

“Oh, that. I won’t let her steal anything. And there’s no hoarding station.”

“Hmm.” I tossed her a dog treat and that seemed to cheer her up. Then Max jumped her and for the first time I swear I could see a smile on her face.

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