Last Call At Chez Mort: A Murder Mystery Comedy Play by Lee Mueller

Author:Lee Mueller [Mueller, Lee]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Play Dead Murder Mysteries
Published: 2013-11-03T04:00:00+00:00

ACT II

JEAN PAUL enters and speaks into Microphone.

JEAN PAUL: Bonjour ladies and gentlemen, again I am to say for ze ..uh I am to apologize. Never before has something like zis to happen. It is most calm here at Chez Mort now yes? No more interruptions shall be or problems, no, no!

MACK and CONSTANTINE enter speaking silently to each other.

JEAN PAUL: (cont.) We will have no more of the nasty business that is not .. up up. Very nice now yes? Most how you say.. pleasant? We are calm and peaceful now, yes?

Lady LELU comes out followed by Stu

LELU: Get your mitts off me! What are your intentions?!

STU: Well, fine! Be like that! At least tell me why babe?!

LELU: Will somebody tell this big Lug to beat it!

STU: But Loo loo baby..

LELU: I ain't your baby. And if you try to touch me with your filthy paws one more time, why I’ll...!

MACK: What gives toots?

LELU: I’ll tell ya what gives! This big palooka! He gives me a headache!

MACK: Why don't you leave the doll alone Stu.

STU: Oh yea? Says who?

MACK: Says me.

STU: Oh yea?

MACK: Yea.

STU: What are you? Some kinda wise guy?

JEAN PAUL: Pardonne moi, Mr. Big Stu, you have met ze uh... Inspector Constantine, yes?

STU: Expect a constant what?

CONSTANTINE: Inspector Eddie Constantine. Special investigations, crime division.

STU: If that don’t beat all! I said no cops!

CONSTANTINE: Did you, Pal? You said, “no cops?” And why is that?

STU: Well, it would.. uh... because you see... tell him Hanzy!

Bodyguard will now speak with a German accent

BODYGUARD: Vat is dis mein Stu?

CONSTANTINE: Hanzy? Would that happen to be a variation of Hans? As in Hans Beckert? Or should I say, Hans the Hatchet? The notorious Russian!

MACK: German.

CONSTANTINE: I mean, German.

BODYGUARD: Wie bitte? Nine the hatchet!

CONSTANTINE: Nine? I thought you carried only one. I had no idea.

STU: Say, what's the big idea anyway?

MACK: I dunno Stu. Maybe the good inspector has an idea?

CONSTANTINE: Hang on! Did you say "Stu"?

MACK: I believe, perhaps I did utter somethin’ like that. Maybe I should say, "Big Suit Stu".

CONSTANTINE: Well, well, well. Big Suit Stu! of the East Side Mob. And Heini the Hatchet, just my luck! Both of you, here on this evening. And might I add, most interesting that a young lady should turn up mortified with you two around.

STU: I had nothing to do with any mortification! You can't pin this on me, see? I was here to see Sue! Sue was my sweetie. She was singing for me and me only.

LELU: I'm not sure I would call what she was doing "singing".

CONSTANTINE: And you my dear, are Lady Lavender, aren't you?

LELU: It’s Lady Lelu.

CONSTANTINE: Of course it is. You are the featured entertainer here right?

LELU: Wrong! More like “was”.

CONSTANTINE: Was? And why’s that?

LELU: You tell me! I get to do one number and the next thing I know, Frenchie’s out here yammerin about some technical thing and I get pulled for Sue Bluwtosky. The singin’ banshee.

STU: Hey! Watch it you!

LELU: Ah! So’s your old

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