Fleabag by Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Author:Phoebe Waller-Bridge [Waller-Bridge, Phoebe]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781848426245
Publisher: Nick Hern Books
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

–

It’s eleven fifteen now.

Joe is shaking.

I’m standing. Topless. Just the right angle.

His hand keeps rising, until it rests on his eyes.

JOE. Put your clothes back on, darling.

FLEABAG. What?

JOE. Put your clothes back on.

FLEABAG. Come on, Joe. I’m not going to judge you.

JOE. I come here for my tea, darling. And to see you. That was a sad thing that happened to your friend.

FLEABAG. You’re weak.

JOE. That may be true, but… I’m going to go now.

FLEABAG. Stay. Come on. Please. Joe. I’m twenty-six years old, Joe.

He stops. He brings his hand down from his eyes. He finally looks at me.

JOE. Go home, darling. I’m sorry. This ain’t my bag.

FLEABAG. I grab his arm as he walks past. He’s thin but baggy. His skin pinches in my grasp. It’s disgusting.

The door closes behind him.

–

I sit on Joe’s chair for a bit. There’s something not right about that man.

Hilary’s teeth are going again. Crashing against each other. The noise is unbearable. Relentless chattering. They do that when they’re distressed or angry or – I can’t listen to it. I take her out of her hutch. I hold her little body to my naked chest. I can feel her claws. She can hardly move. Her bones feel bent and her breathing is shallow. But the teeth are going like – she won’t – I stroke her body. I look into her face through her ginger, punky bit. I imagine sticking my finger in to make her eyes pop out. I imagine it. I imagine doing that – I can’t imagine doing anything else and as my hand moves down her body – I – I –

When I first gave her to Boo she was so tiny. I put her in a little gift box from a crappy card shop. She just sat there on a bit of cotton wool. Looking up through her tiny punky bit. She was ridiculous. A little overexcited fuzzball. She’d just sit in your hand like – (Makes a mini-explosion sound.)

Boo’s face. Boo’s face when she opened the box – a huge grin spread across her whole body.

BOO. What is this!? Is this a guine – Did you get me a – What – What is this!?

FLEABAG. I don’t know. Something to love?

I’m crying. My fingers are gripping her. I can’t – I imagine my – I can’t – I can feel how scared she is. How much pain she’s in – My fingers are – I can’t – I hold her to me tightly and – I hold her to me tighter… I hold her to me tighter, until I feel her bones crack against me and her chattering stop.

Everything is quiet and she is safe.

–

MALE VOICE. Okay. Please leave.

FLEABAG. What!? But I – you don’t understand. I need –

MALE VOICE. Please just leave.

FLEABAG starts to leave. She turns back.

FLEABAG. Perv.

MALE VOICE. Slut.

FLEABAG. Wow.

MALE VOICE. Please leave.

FLEABAG. You please leave.

MALE VOICE. It’s my office.

FLEABAG. Yeah?

MALE VOICE. Okay.

Sound effect of feet walking away and a door opening.

FLEABAG. Wait.

Footsteps stop.

What made you laugh?

MALE VOICE.

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