Five Hours by Lucinda Weatherby

Author:Lucinda Weatherby
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
Publisher: Akashic
Published: 2015-09-01T16:00:00+00:00

PART 2

CHAPTER 16

January 20

The first night at home is long, with black, dreamless sleep punctuated by bouts of wrenching tears.

At one point I wake up with a desperate feeling. Where is he? I have an overwhelming desire to know the exact nature of death. Is there an afterlife? What is it like? I have pondered these questions at times in my life, but now they are an imperative. I need to know. Someone I was responsible for went over to the other side and I cannot rest until I know where he is, how he is.

We were symbiotic, as close as two human beings get, living on the same blood, the same oxygen, the same nutrients. And suddenly our oneness was cleaved, and he went as far away as it is possible to go. I don’t know if I can live in this world without knowing where he is, where he went, where that half of my soul is.

* * *

In the morning, I wake to find Dicken sitting by me, dressed and holding my hand.

“You okay?” he asks.

I nod, pulling his hand closer to me.

“Let’s change this room around,” he says. “I think it would be good to shift the energy.”

I don’t care one way or the other, so I go along with him, sitting on our soft armchair while he moves the bed to the other side of the room. He works quickly, with a determined look on his face. Soon everything is rearranged, and dust long hidden behind furniture cleared away.

“Okay if I change the sheets too?”

“Sure,” I say. “Just stay close to me, that’s all I ask.”

“Do you want me to wash those clothes you have on while I’m at it?”

I look down at my wooly blue sweater, the one I’ve had on for days now, except during and just after the surgery. Gabriella gave me this sweater in my second trimester, which seems lifetimes ago. It is thick and warm and has layers and holes designed for discreet, easy-access nursing. I held Theo against this material for the days and nights we had him. I can still smell his cookies-and-cream scent when I bury my face in the softness.

“No,” I say firmly. “I’ll never wash this sweater.”

Dicken nods, looking reflective for a few moments, a faraway look, maybe sad. Then he whips the sheets and pillowcases off the bed and disappears downstairs.

* * *

I get up and trudge to the bathroom, splash water on my face, and look in the mirror. My cheeks look swollen, my eyes puffy. My chest aches slightly from my still full breasts.

I’m distraught that I have all this milk and no one to feed. I feel cheated. During all those miserable months of pregnancy, I was so looking forward to the sweetness of nursing: to the lovely hormones, that unmatchable satisfaction of nourishing a baby entirely from my own body, and that ravenous hunger and thirst, all those extra calories flying off. Here I am with my stored fat, wondering if I’ll carry it for the rest of my life.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.