Fair Do's by David Nobbs

Author:David Nobbs [David Nobbs]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780007505807
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 1990-08-28T04:00:00+00:00

The Dale Monsal Quartet played ‘All I Do Is Dream of You’ in their own style, which had more than once been described as inimitable. Marie Lloyd danced with Batman, a kilted Scotsman attempted a Scottish dance he didn’t know with a crimson-cheeked cowgirl who didn’t know it either, and a green pepper refused on moral grounds to dance with a bullfighter. People toyed with smoked salmon and indulged in asparagus. Some ate caviare with enjoyment. Others pretended to eat caviare with enjoyment. One Queen Elizabeth talked happily with Sir Walter Raleigh. The other Queen Elizabeth talked not quite so happily with a police officer. Noël Coward cracked an elegant bon mot to a gangster’s moll. The moll didn’t laugh.

The music ceased. Mild applause spattered out. Dale Monsal leant forward and spoke. His voice was like a bulb field in November.

‘The word “gay” has developed conurbations which make it impossible to use in its original meaning,’ he announced. ‘I can’t talk today about “Gay Paree”. Nevertheless, it is to the elegant capital of “La Belle France” that we turn next for our musical inspiration. Take it away, maestros. Un, deux, trois.’

The maestros took it away. Strains of ‘The Skater’s Waltz’ filled the room.

Ted returned to face his public. He tried to smile at the vicar, who was actually Sid Crabtree from the wet fish shop in Tannergate, where they shopped for fish of a Saturday because Corinna liked … Corinna!

The vicar smiled back, so Ted’s smile must have worked. He smiled at the vicar’s partner, the spotty schoolgirl from the Stag and Garter, Ted and Corinna’s new … Corinna! They’d just begun to find their feet in the Stag and Garter, which had been called the Star and Garter until an elderly signwriter had made an error and a soft-hearted brewery official had allowed the mistake to stand – in olden days, when there were horse-drawn cabs and brewers with soft hearts.

The spotty schoolgirl with her jolly-hockey-sticks garb and the stick-on spots from the joke shop in Arbitration Road smiled back. His smile was working! Amazing. Arbitration Road! Where he and Corinna had planned … Corinna! All roads led to her. All thoughts ended with her. Smile at the polar bear. ‘Hello, Dave, all right?’ Smile at Mrs Fortescue from Flat 3, dressed as a horrible baby … silly old … Flat 3. The flats. Corinna.

This wouldn’t do. He must at least simulate normality, if he was to survive. He set off across the crowded floor towards that incongruous couple, the policeman and Queen Elizabeth the First. He threw little remarks at the throng as he passed. ‘Enjoying yourselves? Good. Well done. Love your outfit. Keep at it.’ To his amazement his voice sounded quite normal, as if his world hadn’t ended.

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