But Did You Die? by Throat Punch Media

Author:Throat Punch Media
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Throat Punch Media
Published: 2017-04-22T16:00:00+00:00

SARAH COTTRELL is a freelance writer living in Maine with her boatbuilding husband and her brood of loud children. She is the voice behind Housewife Plus on Facebook and the Bangor Daily News. Her work appears regularly on Scary Mommy, Disney’s Babble.com, Momtastic and has been anthologized six times, including in the New York Times bestselling series I Still Just Want to Pee Alone published by Throat Punch Media.

Unplugged and Misunderstood

By Alessandra Macaluso

There are lots of ways you can screw up as a parent, but I’m pretty sure one of the first things they teach you in all the baby books is “don’t leave your newborn home alone.” I’m also pretty sure my dad read exactly none of the baby books, because at just six weeks old, that’s where I found myself: home alone, in my crib.

Let me back up.

I’m the youngest of six children, all born within an eight-year stretch, which means that by the time they got to me they probably forgot they had me in the first place. My mom had to run an errand that day and after packing up all the other minions was probably like Well shit, there’s no more room for the baby and told my father she was leaving me behind in the crib.

“Don’t leave the house,” she instructed—a statement to which he nodded in comprehension and then promptly forgot about, as he grabbed his keys and headed out the door. This was 1982, so it’s not like he was distracted while playing Candy Crush or anything—it just slipped his mind. He wasn’t thinking.

As an adult I frequently ask my mom what she was thinking having all of us kids, and her answer is always the same: “I wasn’t!” I suppose I’m glad for her sideshow aspirations thoughtlessness, because it’s the reason I sit here today telling you this story (or at least that’s the way I rationalize my existence). But my point is, there is something to be said as a parent for thinking just a little bit less.

Many of our parents were not overthinkers when it came to this parenting gig. They were far more laid back, and because there were no cell phones or Internet, they were also blissfully unplugged.

And thank sweet baby Jesus they didn’t have smartphones. I see my dad walking around our house now with his phone in hand, bumping into shit, and I immediately start sweating and wondering if we baby-proofed enough. (Is senior-proofing a thing? Because I think there’s an untapped market.)

And because of my dad’s thick immigrant accent, even Siri can’t help him:

DAD: “Tell-a my daughterrrr to send-a me a picture of-a da baby.”

SIRI: You’d like a pitcher of iced tea. Is that right?

DAD: “A PIC-A-TURRRE OF-A DA- BA-BY”

SIRI: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

DAD: “A PIC-A-TURE”

SIRI: <SENDS PHOTO OF PIKACHU>

DAD: <HOLDS PHONE OUT, ADJUSTS GLASSES> “Hey! Look-a how cute he get!”

Could you imagine if our parents’ generation had smartphones while raising kids? With their parents pressuring them to chronicle every turd the

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