Arse-Up Creek by Al Lester

Author:Al Lester
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781742287676
Publisher: Penguin Random House New Zealand
Published: 2010-11-23T00:00:00+00:00

8

Pig, Stag and Paua

I first met Crummy in Featherston many years ago. He’d organised a hunting competition and my team were the only entrants from the South Island. The competition ran for a week and each team was allocated a hunting block that had been decided by a ballot. The hunt lasted six days and by the week’s end a large number of deer, pigs and other game had been shot or caught, and returned to the Tauherenikau racecourse for weighing and measuring. More importantly, an after-match function was held where prizes were given for the heaviest deer, pig, trout and more. The main prize, a rifle, was awarded for the best trophy stag’s head. Some lucky North Island hunter bagged that but that’s another story.

To ensure that the reputation of all hill-hardened southern men was kept intact, my team felt obliged to consume more than our fair share of the amber liquid at the event – and we did.

Crummy was running the show and seemed like a decent sort of a bloke. By night’s end he was talking a similar version of shorthand to me and by some miracle we semi-understood what each other was saying. He blamed his mispronunciation and slurring of words on his drinking but I was sure that it was due his consumption of alcohol.

The night ended with Crummy inviting me and anyone else who could stand to his place for a feed of bacon and eggs before we departed for home in the morning. The bacon, he boasted, was from a wild pig he’d shot himself. Now a man would have been foolish to turn down an offer like that, wouldn’t he?

The next morning, the five bass drummers playing havoc in my head and I wandered to Crummy’s place to take him up on his kind offer of breakfast. By the time I arrived about 20 others were already there and I was praying that he’d got a big pig so that there was enough bacon to feed us all.

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