After the Affair by Janis A. Spring

Author:Janis A. Spring
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2020-07-04T00:00:00+00:00

Assumption #1: “Listening to your complaints is the same as saying, ‘You’re right.’”

Listening doesn’t mean you agree; it just means you care enough to try to understand what your partner is saying. If you confuse listening to your partner’s message with validating it, you won’t listen, and you won’t know what you’re disputing. Unless you hear your partner’s complaints, you can’t begin to understand or respond to them.

Assumption #2: “Listening to your complaints is giving you a license to rage.”

Some of you may worry that listening will make your partner more combative; if you’re the type who feels threatened by conflict, you’re not going to want to fan the flames. But listening can be disarming. Empathy—another name for intimate listening—does not intensify conflict, it softens it. Your partner, feeling acknowledged and understood, is likely to relax, trust you more, and respond to you in a more loving way. Try it. You may discover that listening is one of the most powerful resources you have.

Assumption #3: “Listening to your complaints is the same as saying, ‘I forgive you.’”

Some of you may have trouble listening because you equate it with forgiving. But don’t confuse the two. Listening, as I’ve said, means only that you’re willing to open yourself to your partner’s version of the truth, not that you accept it, or that you pardon or exonerate your partner’s behavior. Listening can clear a path to forgiveness, but it’s only a beginning.

How the Past Affects the Way You Listen Today

As you grew up, you became accustomed to hearing certain messages, implicit or explicit, in the way your family talked to you, or to one another. Some were personally enhancing (“I respect your opinion,” “You make sense to me,” “We don’t have to agree”). Others, like the following, were debilitating:

“You’d better watch out.”

“Now you’ve made me good and mad.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You can’t make good decisions.”

“I’ve had it with you.”

“You’re unlovable.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“It’s your fault.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

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