A Girl Named Dennis: Finding a way through losing a child: a father's story by Matt Cunningham

Author:Matt Cunningham [Cunningham, Matt]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Matt Cunningham
Published: 2015-11-08T18:30:00+00:00

That Kind Of Person

The Ben Nevis boys

It was around that time Ali’s brother, her brother-in-law, John, and a handful of others signed up to climb Ben Nevis in aid of The Jennifer Trust. It was good of them, practically supportive, and had my responsibilities been less onerous at home I’d have liked to have gone along, for the release of physical exertion as well as the camaraderie; though as it was, my sole contribution was to send out an email at work asking for sponsors.

I felt self-conscious doing so, to be drawing attention to my vulnerability, as well as concerned people might feel railroaded by their knowledge of my situation (which some of them did probably). But regardless, my request set in motion one of the more uplifting experiences in the time Molly was with us.

Within minutes donations began to flood in from all corners of the building: literally hundreds and hundreds of pounds from the ordinary rank and file, along with dozens of messages of support (often from the most unexpected places). Alongside close friends, people I barely knew were being incredibly kind, as if they’d only been waiting for the opportunity, a green light from me, to show that they cared.

The money was coming in via the Just Giving website and throughout the day I followed progress, delighted of course to see the boys’ target reached then surpassed but as much to see what people had written. Every word helped me to feel less isolated and alone and I went home that night feeling good, with something bright to say for once when Ali asked, ‘So how was your day?’ When they were needed most, the good-hearted had stood tall and I’ll never forget what that meant to me.

*

At home meanwhile, after another false dawn, Ali’s battle with insomnia began to rage again, entering a new, even less forgiving phase. Sleeplessness had established itself as the norm now. She was losing weight fast, becoming worryingly thin, weaker and absentminded; and this applied to both of us: increasingly incapable of making even the most inconsequential decisions without endless deliberation and self-doubt. Should we stay up or go to bed? Read or watch a film? Cook at home or order in? Mundane, everyday choices were eating up minutes at a time.

Thursday of that week, after three nights in a row had gone against us, with growing concern I phoned the office first thing and arranged to work from home: another attempt to keep two worlds turning when maybe I should have backed out of work altogether for a time. It could have been done. But it wasn’t an easy call to make, not knowing how long Molly would be with us. Weeks, months, even years was a possibility, albeit remote. I knew somewhere down the line I’d need compassionate leave in quantity. So it made sense, to me anyway, to keep going until we had some idea how things might pan out.

We both hoped a visit from Dr Jarvis might help.

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