Proust, Cole Porter, Michelangelo, Marc Almond and Me by National Lesbian Gay Survey

Author:National Lesbian Gay Survey [National Lesbian Gay Survey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780415089142
Goodreads: 201496
Publisher: Routledge
Published: 1993-05-21T00:00:00+00:00

Malcolm

I was jolted both into coming out to myself and to coming out to other people by a friend, who thought I was gay, coming out to me! It was not something I had previously considered, therefore, while helping him sort out his sexuality over the course of several days, I was also having to sort out my own sexuality and decide whether or not I was gay.

Initially I came out to the friend who had caused all the trouble in the first place. He was sure I was gay anyway, so I automatically came out to him. And the second person I told was someone else who was coming out at the same time. I don't think I deliberately came out to anyone else for several weeks; rather it was found out by people. However, I did enjoy coming out at a large conference that I attended about three weeks later, with a few others in front of about one hundred and forty people, which made me feel great and proud to be gay.

However, after the conference, and returning to college, I retreated again to some extent into the closet, although partly this was to enable me to get on with some of the academic work which was piling up. I did start coming out again at Easter, attending a gay and lesbian youth group and making trips on to the scene a few times.

I have not come out to my family. I am not sure why this is. Partly I think it is because I do not know what the reaction would be. At times I think it would be all right, and others I am not sure. Apart from anything else I see my family infrequently and the opportunity to come out never seems to arise, and coming out by letter would not really work. It does make it rather difficult to stay at home since I know that I am not the person my parents think I am and that leaves me feeling guilty. They may have guessed anyway, since references to girlfriends and marriage have dried up over the last year or so although I don't know whether they will ever get round to asking. I really do not want to hurt them, although I could, of course, be doing exactly that by not telling them. I rarely talk about personal things to my parents, and it would embarrass me to do so.

I suppose the circle of people who do know has been fairly limited in some respects since it has been mainly only those people who I see as friends and who I trust. Having recently started work away from my former friends, the situation has changed somewhat. Now I am totally in the closet. This is really not through choice since I find it very difficult working with people and not telling them, but the nature of the work - residential child-care - makes it difficult since if the wrong people found out I could be out of a job.

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