Grumpy Old Men by Stuart Prebble

Author:Stuart Prebble [Prebble, S.]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: [2011.06.23]
Publisher: [Côte d’Azur]
Published: 2003-12-31T16:00:00+00:00

RICK WAKEMAN

If it becomes totally impossible to park on the street, you could always go to a shopping centre and park in the multi-storey. We’ll leave to one side the limited height restrictions and occasional joy of seeing someone who’s forgotten that they haven’t taken off the roof-rack or, better still, have a bike on the roof. I’ve seen that only once and it is amazing how much mess it can make.

Now I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about multi-storeys, partly because Bill Bryson had great fun with it in Notes from a Small Island, but I do wonder if there can be a more catastrophic example of British design than these awful monstrosities.

Of course they have to optimise the use of space, but what is the point of designing the turning circle between ramps so that cars over 6 feet long have to do a three-point turn to negotiate them? Of course they have to have plenty of pillars in the structure, but what is the point of positioning a parking bay right next to them so you can’t get out of the driver’s door? Of course they have to decide the average car width and mark out bays efficiently, but as soon as one idiot parks a few inches away from the centre of his bay, the next car is nudged to one side, and the bay you have to edge into is 6 inches narrower than it should be. You can just about squeeze the car into the bay, but then you can’t get out of the door. So you sit and ponder.

Could you drive forward, get out of the car, and push the car back into the space? Probably not, it might keep going and plummet six floors on to the shoppers below. Could you park and then climb out of the roof? Yes, but how to close the roof afterwards if you don’t have one of those very swish cars that does it for you? And then, how would you get back in? Could you climb out of the roof and leave the roof open? No, because the car alarm would go off. Can you climb out of the window? Time was, maybe, but not these days. Could you, if you have a hatchback, drive in forwards and climb out of the tailgate? Believe me, I’ve done it.

Eventually you accept the inevitable, park as close as you can to the car next door hoping he’ll be able to get in the other side, and then open your door as much as you can and do a sort of limbo dance. Your best suit is rubbing up against the muddy car, your ribcage is being crushed against the edge of the door, and the corner of the window has knocked your specs off before you realise that you’ve left your briefcase in the back seat. Getting back in is harder than getting out. And all this is going to have cost you £32 by the time you get back tonight.

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