Dirty Mind by Roe Horvat

Author:Roe Horvat
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: mm
Publisher: Beaten Track Publishing
Published: 2017-08-31T18:30:00+00:00

9: Hanging off the Cliff

“I KNOW THREE gay men. All three wear tight pants most of the time. However—” Dieter lifted a finger, looking at us in stern concentration “—I shouldn’t assume all the gay men in Germany wear tight pants all the time. And if I wear tight pants, it doesn’t mean all people will think I’m gay,” he summarized.

“That obviously depends on the exact tightness of the pants,” I said, nodding. Christian snickered.

“Okay, how tight are we talking?” Dieter asked, completely serious, of course, looking from me to Chris to Mattias and back, intent on inhaling all the new knowledge he could get from us.

Mattias burst out laughing, as did Christian, hiding his face in my shoulder.

“What did I say?” asked Dieter.

“Guys,” I warned. “Guys!” I repeated, louder.

“Sorry.” Mattias coughed and cleared his throat.

“What’s this gaydar thing? Explain it to me.” That was Dieter’s fifth non-sequitur in the past thirty minutes. It was like he was preparing himself for a test in queer culture trivia. Mattias took over the conversation, explaining as accurately as he could.

It was an unexpected but instant friendship. Adorkable. Christian and I kept grinning at each other as we witnessed Mattias and Dieter discussing sexual orientation versus identity, religious differences between southern and northern Germany, Donald Trump’s presidency, gay rights in former Czechoslovakia, and…the health implications of vegetarianism. Oh, no.

“No offense, dude, but I’m a doctor. There are peer studies on that. You can get all the necessary protein you need from vegetarian food. It’s a matter of balance. People don’t need meat to be healthy. On the contrary. Have you seen the statistics on colon cancer in Bavaria and the Czech Republic?”

“That’s irrelevant! It’s the combination of smoked pork and alcohol that increases the risk of colon cancer. You won’t get colon cancer from eating chicken.” Dieter waved his chili chicken wing at Mattias.

“You can’t ignore the horrifying circumstances the animals—” Mattias began, but Christian seemed to sense the danger at the same time I did and jumped in.

“Guys, do you want to order another round and talk about something less explosive, maybe?” he suggested.

Dieter grunted and chewed on his chicken wing.

“I’ll go with you,” Mattias offered and stood, leaving me alone at the table with Dieter. The pub was packed. Christian and Mattias would have to fight their way through the masses.

Dieter licked his fingers and wiped them on his gray cotton T-shirt. He pushed his plate away, in the distinct direction of where Mattias sat just a second ago, and sucked on his teeth loudly. It was like a crash course in macho-man dining etiquette. He proceeded to rinse his mouth with the last of his beer and leaned toward me. I loved how utterly unselfconscious he was.

“Are you dating Christian?”

Oh. “We’ve been friends for a long time.”

“I know. He talks about you all the time. Are you boyfriends?”

Not to be offensive, but I had Dieter for a socially awkward, mainly clueless nerd, and his line of questioning had me laughing with disbelief.

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