Bringing Metal to the Children: The Complete Berserker's Guide to World Tour Domination by Zakk Wylde & Eric Hendrikx

Author:Zakk Wylde & Eric Hendrikx [Wylde, Zakk & Hendrikx, Eric]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Music, Non-Fiction, Biography
Goodreads: 11763119
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2011-05-01T00:00:00+00:00

Of Mayonnaise and Manliness

THE BAND AND I HAVE ADAPTED THE NATIONAL PASTIME TO A CONDENSED format that we can take out with us and that utilizes items found in most of the roadside diners and various eateries we encounter along the way, as well as from our backstage catering services—condiment baseball. This is one of our favorite games to play on tour.

It came about while hanging with Father Mike Inez on Ozzfest. Out of sheer Black Label mischief and comedy we decided to sneak off and grab all the condiments from the backstage buffet—you know, those massive jars of mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, relish, and half-and-half—and anything else we could get our mitts on. We set up a small baseball diamond out back and slow-pitched the ginormous jugs of shit to the batter, who would hack away with wild swings, but when they connected, holy shit, what an explosion! Mustard and ketchup and all sorts of crap flying through the air and splattering all over the fucking place! Of course we’d run the bases, but that was more out of respect for the integrity of the game; it was really all about being able to smash stuff and justify making a huge mess. There are only two things in life that legally allow you to have this much fun and toss this much goo—condiment baseball, and when your wife allows you to go anal while choking the life out of her until she reaches orgasm. Okay, not the choking part, but definitely the ass-gaping.

But remember, these reindeer games are reserved for the battle-tested warriors of the horde; if you’re a rookie on the road, expect nothing and consider yourself content if you score a meal and some drinks here and there. If you slap a promoter with a rider that looks like the one Guns N’ Roses handed out, he’ll probably just slap you right back and find someone else to play the gig. Be reasonable and when you grow up into a big rock star you can start asking for all the cocaine and dildos you can imagine. Always remember what Ozzy said about the Black Sabbath rider—if you’re getting paid a hundred dollars to play somewhere, and all the bullshit on your rider costs ninety dollars, you’re only gonna get paid ten. Don’t forget, you pay for everything.

That’s right, children; it all comes full circle, back to being a fuckin’ man! Just because a guy is grown doesn’t mean that he’s necessarily a man. And if you want to enjoy the spoils of war, you’ve got to step to the task with a big, man-sized set of swingin’ balls! And while we’re on one of my favorite subjects—manliness—I decided to bring in a current expert on the subject. Who knows about manliness more than the self-proclaimed manliness expert Forrest Griffin?

Allow me to tell you a little bit about his expertise. This is a guy who was raised in the South by his mom. Now, on the surface, this may sound like a fertile breeding ground for a mama’s boy, but that’s not the case here.

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