Blood Sex & Scooby Snacks by Watson Ian

Author:Watson, Ian [Watson, Ian]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Eldritch Ink
Published: 2013-12-19T00:00:00+00:00

THIR13EN GHOSTS (2001)

“Terror Has Multiplied!”

Directed by Steve Beck; Written by Neal Marshall Stevens and Richard D’Ovidio, based on a screenplay by Robb White; Produced by Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis and Gilbert Adler.

MEDDLING KIDS

Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth) is The Damsel In Distress

Maggie (Rah Digga) is The Funny Black Chick

Bobby (Alec Roberts) is The Cute Kid

UNHELPFUL ADULTS

Arthur (Tony Shalhoub) The Dad

Dennis (Matthew Lillard) The Psychic

Ben (J R Bourne) The Slimy Lawyer

VILLAINS

Cyrus (F Murray Abraham)

Kalina (Embeth Davidtz)

And,er, twelve ghosts

If you specialize in remakes, you can’t really call yourself an artist – you’re a scientist. You don’t create, you formulate. Or in Michael Bay’s case, summon from the blackest pits of hell.

In the same year Bay co-founded Platinum Dunes, Dark Castle unleashed their second redux (following 1999’s House On Haunted Hill) and they could’ve chosen better because 13 Ghosts (as it was called in those days) wasn’t even that great when William Castle did it in 1960. Those who remember it at all remember it for the gimmick of “Illusion-O”, where “Ghost Viewers” (actually 3D glasses) allowed audience members to see the spirits. Thir13en Ghosts (as it’s now known) keeps the glasses and jettisons pretty much everything else in favour of noise and special effects, though it’s hard to say if the filmmakers arrived at a remake of Castle’s film or a retread of The 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo.

In the animated series, as you’ll recall, the opening of the Chest of Demons caused an unlucky number of spirits to escape before Scooby, Shaggy and Daphne attempted to recapture them with the assistance of a cute kid named Flim Flam and Vincent Van Ghoul, a warlock voiced by Vincent Price. Here, twelve ghosts held in twelve cages in the basement of an isolated mansion are unwittingly released, causing The Damsel In Distress, The Cute Kid and The Comic Relief to run around screaming for the rest of the movie. And before you ask, yes, they do decide to split up inside the haunted house. It’s that lame.

In place of the warlock, there’s Matthew ‘Shaggy’ Lillard, who even though he’s psychic doesn’t realize that F Murray Abraham faked his own death in the opening scenes or that Embeth Davidtz’s ghostbuster isn’t all that she seems. Small world dept: Lillard later voiced Shaggy in the Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated TV series, where one of the recurring characters was….Vincent Van Ghoul. He’s also done Shakespeare.

Ah, but what of the thirteenth ghost, you say? Glad you asked. Turns out Abraham lured Tony Shalhoub to the house under false pretences, stashed the ghost of his dead wife in a closet and hoped her appearance would make Shalhoub kill himself out of love, thus completing the baker’s dozen and making Abraham the most powerful person in the world….somehow.

ZOINKS!

Co-writer “Neal Marshall Stevens” (aka Benjamin Carr) also wrote Zarkorr! The Invader, Curse Of The Puppet Master, Retro Puppet Master and Hellraiser: Deader.

YOU CAN IMAGINE A CARTOON CHARACTER SAYING….

Maggie: “Can I rely on you not to get me killed?”

Dennis: “I guarantee nothing.”

OR:

Maggie: “Stuck in

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