A Game of Groans: A Sonnet of Slush and Soot by George R. R. Washington & Alan Goldsher

Author:George R. R. Washington & Alan Goldsher
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Fantasy, Humour, Parody
ISBN: 9781250011268
Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin
Published: 2012-03-27T00:00:00+00:00

HEADCASE

Headcase sat in the muddy bank of the muddy Capaetal Ceity River, staring at the placid water as if it were a snake coiling then uncoiling, unconcerned that the new feather-covered outfit Tinyjohnson had procured for him was growing filthier by the second. Tinyjohnson, however, seemed less than pleased.

“Your Footness,” the non-eunuch whined, unsuccessfully attempting to keep the whininess out of his voice, “those silken trousers were not made for sitting in a muddy riverbank and staring at placid water as if it were a snake coiling then uncoiling.”

“I appreciate your concern,” Head lied, “but there are more pressing matters on my mind. I have birthed an idea.”

Tinyjohnson said, “Birthed an idea? That sounds disgusting.”

“I’m certain anything having to do with birthing sounds disgusting to you, eunuch.”

Indignant, Tinyjohnson declared, “I am not a eunuch!” He motioned as if to pull down his trousers, then asked, “Would you care to see the proof?”

Head picked up two fistfuls of mud and rubbed them into his eyes, then begged, “Again, no, no, for the love of Gods, no. For the sake of argument, I will stipulate that you are not a eunuch, and will never mention it again. This isn’t to say that somebody else won’t mention it a few chapters down the road, but there you have it.”

“Thank you,” Tinyjohnson sighed. After a pause, he added, “I can show it to you anyhow. Just for fun.”

After putting more mud over his eyes, Head reiterated, “Thank you, but no. Now I called you down here to discuss how we can get Capaetal Ceity out of this financial mess. I have decided we shall have a festyval.”

“You mean a festival?” Tinyjohnson asked.

“No,” Head reiterated, “I mean a festyval. With a y. I shall call it the Woodstok Festyval of Frolicking, Fryvolity, and Fyghting. It will be three days of war and screaming. The fee shall be ten dollars per day, and the population of Cap Ceity is two hundred thousand, so if every citizen attends the festyval each day, that will net us six million dollars, which will give us more than enough money to repay our loans from Chyna. Not that we will repay them, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Tinyjohnson stated, “I greatly doubt that everybody in the Ceity will attend.”

“Oh, they will, Tinyjohnson.”

“How do you know?”

“Simple: Those who miss the festyval will be beheaded.”

Beaming, Tinyjohnson exclaimed, “Now that is how you Foot!”

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