Who You Never Were by Loren Samuels

Author:Loren Samuels [Samuels, Loren]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781735236414
Published: 2020-07-01T16:00:00+00:00

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“…but why do you kill?”

“I don’t know… It’s hard to explain.”

“Try.”

“Well… I guess at first for me it was about revenge. Andrew was such an ass, cheating on me. When I saw him with that girl, there was such a rage in me, even three days later it hadn’t subsided. The only way I knew how to get rid of all that anger was to turn it toward Andrew. And I have to admit, killing that asshole felt great. It felt justified.”

“But you have killed others. Surely most of the other murders could not be classified as motivated by revenge, could they?”

“No, not really.“

“So then, again I ask you, why do you kill?”

“Have you ever killed anyone?”

“No.”

“Then I doubt you can really understand. There is nothing quite like the feeling of taking a person’s life. When I drowned Andrew, part of that was revenge, punishment for his sins. But watching him gasp for air, watching his body drain of all its life, it was empowering. It was thrilling.”

“Empowering? How so?”

“My whole life up to that point was never mine. It was controlled by others. Drowning Andrew was one of the first times I controlled anything in my life. And it felt great. It felt almost liberating.”

“So you kill for the thrill?”

“That certainly is part of it. But really the feeling of taking a life is more about feeling anything at all.”

“What do you mean by that, feeling anything at all?”

“It’s no secret; my early life was a horrible nightmare. And so to survive, I learned to close off my feelings, I learned to ignore all my emotions. And it worked for a while. I felt no pain. But eventually, I saw that I wasn’t feeling anything else either. For feelings I just had a hole.”

“And killing resolved that?”

“After I killed Andrew, holding him under the water watching him die, for the first time in a long time I felt something. And as I took more lives, I felt more and more alive than I ever had before. Nothing else gave me that feeling.”

“But if that is the case, why have your murders become increasingly more challenging and risky? Why have you exponentially increased your chance of getting caught?”

“The problem was, the exhilaration, the flood of emotions or whatever those feelings are, only came when the risk or challenge was increased. If I had just continued to kill people the same way, I probably would have eventually stopped because the feelings became less and less intense. But when I risked more, the more alive I felt.”

“Only killing makes you feel alive?”

“When I am by myself, I feel nothing but utter emptiness. But in the act of taking a life, I feel euphoric. I feel like I am in control and that I matter as a person.”

“So you plan on just continuing to kill until you get caught or are killed in the process?”

“Exactly right. The truth is I know I’m a horrible monster. But you all created me…”

“I created you?”

“Society created me.

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