Vanilla by Billy Merrell

Author:Billy Merrell
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Scholastic Inc.

CONDITIONAL

Hunter doesn’t want to go to the dance, suddenly.

But Red says we have to. She’s on the committee.

“Don’t make me go by myself,” I beg him.

But he says he’s not in the mood to “perform” for her. Or me.

As if he’d be acting, lying, if we held hands, leaned in.

“I haven’t been entirely honest with you,” he says.

“It’s eating me alive inside.”

My heart sinks. I knew it, somehow.

Hunter still hasn’t said what he means,

and I don’t yet know how bad it is. But my heart seems to.

“What?” I say, not sure which misery I’d choose, if I could.

“You’re scaring me.”

“I’ve just been talking,” he says. “To guys, I mean. Online.

But before you say anything, I need you to know

I always say I have a boyfriend. And I haven’t lied to you

or cheated, really. I mean, I’m telling you now.”

This is how I know I must still love him:

because it hurts so bad, hearing it.

And the fact that it’s my choice if it’s a fight or not,

that it’s my call if we explode, like I want to. Right now,

that part seems as cruel as the rest of it.

But what else did I expect?

The first to come out, Hunter pushed me out.

The first to hit puberty, he begged for sex.

And when I finally felt ready to give in a little,

he barreled forward, single-minded as a bull charging,

and knocked the wind right out of me.

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