Triple Zombie by Jason Beech & John Bruni & James Newman

Author:Jason Beech & John Bruni & James Newman [Beech, Jason & Bruni, John & Newman, James]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Spanking Pulp Press
Published: 2014-12-03T04:30:00+00:00

FOUR

CAPTAIN METH-MOUTH saw the pirate ship about a mile out from the city, and when he did, he felt his heart flutter for the first time since he’d named himself King of Chicago. He hadn’t believed Claudio at first, but now that he saw it—-a ragged Jolly Roger flapping against the wind at the top of the mast—-he knew he was about to fulfill a childhood fantasy.

When he was five and staying with his grandma because his mom was too much of a junkie whore to take care of him, he’d seen a movie called CAPTAIN BLOOD on the broken down black and white Zenith the old lady kept in the basement, where felonious eyes would have to work really hard to notice it. The slow parts of the film didn’t appeal to him, but the action scenes? He’d gotten his first hard-on that day while watching the swashbuckling adventure. He longed to be in sword fights, knife in his teeth, swinging from boat to boat amid gunpowder flashes and flying cannon balls.

He peered through his binoculars and saw his adversary had cannons on each side of his ship. While Captain Meth-Mouth had many cannons, all taken from historical markers from around the city, only one worked: the one he’d taken from thefield Museum. It was still enough to have a cannon battle, though. He shivered with anticipation.

A skinny fellow perched on the mast, and he shouted down to the others. People scrambled to and fro on the deck, probably getting ready for Captain Meth-Mouth’s imminent arrival. He saw one guy—-a giant who could have been a WWE wrestler—-and hoped that he was the captain.

Then he saw the guy dressed in historical captain’s clothes, just like himself. Captain Meth-Mouth had mixed feelings about this one. While he liked the style and recognized a kindred spirit, he knew he would have no trouble kicking his ass. The captain looked wiry, so there might be hidden toughness—-and maybe he was even a sudden bastard—-but Captain Meth-Mouth knew how a one-on-one fight would end.

“Sir.”

Captain Meth-Mouth turned and saw Claudio standing by, armed with a shotgun. “What’s up?”

“Should we shoot first and ask questions later?”

If anyone else had said this, Captain Meth-Mouth would have slapped the teeth from his mouth. His first mate, on the other hand, was too valuable. Tough in a fight. Merciless after.

“There’s no fun in that,” Captain Meth-Mouth said. “First, we parlay. Then, we kill them.”

Claudio shrugged. “Sure thing, boss.”

“Tell Markus to pull up beside them on the starboard side. We’ll talk for a bit, and when I get bored, I’ll fire the cannon at them. Make sure it’s loaded.”

“Aye, aye.”

Claudio retreated, and Captain Meth-Mouth felt his heart flutter again. On the other ship, he saw they were pretty well armed. Assault rifles, shotguns, pistols. The guy on the mast had a sniper rifle, but he didn’t look like he knew how to use it. It seemed like he scoped down on Captain Meth-Mouth, and it took him a while to find his mark through the eye piece.

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