The Payoff by Sienna Waters

Author:Sienna Waters [Waters, Sienna]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-10-02T22:00:00+00:00

* * *

She knew as soon as she asked that it was the wrong thing to do. She saw the color draining from Esta’s face. But it took her a moment to understand just exactly why she was in the wrong. When she realized, she felt a burning anger begin to bubble in her stomach.

“I can’t,” Esta said softly.

“Just this one thing. Just this once,” Cali said, knowing it was pointless.

“I can’t.”

Cali closed her eyes. It had been the perfect solution, all the pieces of her life finally coming together. And Esta wouldn’t help. “Can’t or won’t?”

“I can’t,” Esta said again.

“You won’t,” snapped Cali. “You won’t because it would mean unmasking yourself, it would mean revealing who you truly are, and you can’t do that, can you, Esta? Because you’re too chicken-shit.”

“Yes,” Esta said. “You’re absolutely right.”

“Not even for me?”

“Not even for you.”

Cali leaned back in her chair, drained the rest of her drink, felt it burning down her throat. “You’re an idiot, Esta, you know that?” She was angry, trying to hold onto her temper. “Baker probably barely knows your name. He’s not going to out you. And even if he did, why should you care? You’re a grown woman for God’s sake.”

“So are you for that matter,” countered Esta. “So why don’t you do your own damn networking? Huh?”

“Because…”

“Because you’re just as chicken-shit as I am?” asked Esta.

Cali felt the warmth flooding into her face, felt her cheeks begin to burn. She looked down at the table. “Maybe. Yes,” she said. “I’m scared. Scared to put myself on the line, scared to get something that I worked on so long and so hard turned down. Scared to use up my last shot at a life that I really want. But at least I made a start, Esta. Which is more than you’ve done. You just bury your head in the sand and hope everything will go away.”

“Well maybe, unlike you, I never had the chance to make a start,” said Esta. Her voice was low, they weren’t shouting. “Maybe I didn’t grow up in all-accepting California, maybe I didn’t have PFLAG parents or gay friends, or whatever else. Maybe I didn’t have the opportunity to just be myself.”

Baron Baker was turning now, walking away, not finding whoever or whatever he was looking for in the bar. Cali’s blood pressure started to drop just a little. Esta was hanging her head down.

“You had a chance,” she said. “You had a chance with me. Ten years ago, Esta. We were only nineteen. But you had the chance then. We could have made that into something, even if it was only a friendship, just someone to listen to you and help you. But you chose to run away. And that was an easy choice for you, wasn’t it?”

There was a long silence. Then Esta shook her head.

“It wasn’t. It was a terrible choice. Difficult. Frightening. I did what I had to do, what I thought I had to do. But that doesn’t mean it was easy.

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