The Loneliness Companion: A Practical Guide for Improving Your Self-Esteem and Finding Comfort in Yourself by Shrein H. Bahrami MFT

Author:Shrein H. Bahrami MFT [Bahrami MFT, Shrein H.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rockridge Press
Published: 2019-12-16T20:00:00+00:00

GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING ALONE

Changing your mind-set on what it means to be alone is key, but following through with behavioral actions is also an important step toward decreasing loneliness. Even though we may think that starting or stopping something will be good for us, our physical reaction to that new or different thing can cause a fight, flight, or freeze response. By and large, we crave what is known and comfortable. When we do commit to something new or take a risk, it usually involves the support of another person. In order to become more comfortable being alone, you will need to guide or even trick your mind into not rushing to the panic button 10 minutes in. Learning a new hobby, going to an exercise class, or meditating are all activities that can get you used to doing things on your own.

When someone is single, they may throw themselves into serial dating and app swiping to avoid being alone. While this may alleviate some feelings of loneliness and potentially lead to a new partner, it can also backfire, particularly if the dates do not go well. Alternatively, someone may put dating on the back burner and instead make their career their priority. Our work relationships can be very beneficial to our well-being, yet can also create a false sense of connection. Often, if someone leaves a job, the link they had in common is gone and the relationship fades away. Additionally, because of the amount of time spent at work, expending the energy to meet people outside of the office can feel more trying. It is therefore important to balance out your time at work, dating, and managing other responsibilities with activities you enjoy doing on your own.

At 32, Evie sought out therapy to address her anxiety around never having been in a relationship. She was an extremely smart, funny, and attractive woman with a successful career in the restaurant industry. Her life was filled with work, and she loved it. Even on her days off, she was either at the restaurant or in contact with her team by email and text. Evie had several friends outside of work, yet she struggled to stay in regular contact with them and rarely was she the one to initiate when they did get together. She was also experiencing growing tension with her family and, even though they lived in a nearby city, they saw each other just on holidays and birthdays. Evie did not like the version of herself she had become: anxious and unable to slow down and relax. Even her work friends began joking about how stressed or tense she seemed.

Instead of jumping right in to dating to address her goal of being in a relationship, I encouraged Evie to take stock of her day-to-day life in order to become clear on where she could make room for dating and what she would need to let go of. Initially, it was very difficult for her to say anything

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