The Last Resort by Michael Kaufman

Author:Michael Kaufman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: CROOKED LANE BOOKS

25

Thursday, March 23—15:00:00

Jen had checked the office wall clock so many times during the past hour, I worried she’d wear out its numbers. She was sure as hell eager for her shift to be over. When we were close to quitting time, I put on my best mission control voice and did a countdown. At “blastoff,” Jen yelled a perfunctory good-bye to Les and ran for the door.

We were on her bike and flying, slaloming through traffic.

Truck, I said, attempting to sound calm.

It wasn’t even close, she yelled back.

First stop. A neighborhood hardware store. Number one on her list: a claw hammer, the regular type used for banging nails. I suggested the DeMark hammers with the nice green grips. Instead, she snatched up the cheapest hammer on the rack. She bought a tube of Infinity glue, a scary new brand of glue that came with so many warnings that I was surprised it was legal. And an N95. And dishwashing gloves. And a pair of safety goggles.

Next stop. A giant sports store. Slapped the three-pack of golf balls on the checkout counter. “Can I just buy one?” Jen said. The sixteen-year-old clerk stared at her blankly as if he didn’t even know they sold golf balls.

Final stop: the Greek butcher a few blocks from home, where she bought a skinned lamb’s head—they were gearing up for Easter, and whole carcasses were hanging in the window.

Back home she taped shut the bag with the lamb’s head, scribbled a note—Disgusting. Do Not Open!—and plunked it into the refrigerator. All the rest she carted up to the rooftop garden. (Among the warnings and legal disclaimers that came with the Infinity Glue, one more or less said, “You will most likely die if you use this in an unventilated space.”) She almost stabbed herself as she struggled to cut open the glue’s rigid plastic packaging, one of the few types of excess packaging that was still legal.

She grabbed a few of the bricks that Zach used to weigh down netting for the vegetable beds and fashioned a mount for the hammer, pointing the business end upright. She piled on more bricks to make a narrower channel, which she adjusted until it would securely hold the golf ball in place on the head of the hammer. The glue instructions said it would require twelve hours to properly set, and she had to make sure that gravity or wind wouldn’t topple the ball.

Once satisfied with her setup, she cleaned the ball and the metal surface of the hammer with alcohol, as instructed.

She read the glue instructions for a third time: Open package. Check that you have an up-to-date will. Squeeze gently into applicator brush. Brush on each surface, back and forth twice. Retract applicator brush.

She donned the glasses, mask, and gloves. Took a breath and got down to business.

That night Jen and Zach went to the American Film Institute to see an ancient Ingmar Bergman flick, The Seventh Seal. I’d caught it before and liked it, even though it’s damn heavy.

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