The Holding Deal by John Robert Heffron

Author:John Robert Heffron [Heffron, John Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-04-03T23:00:00+00:00

The audience tonight seems to be the same mix as the last night in LA, so I’m feeling pretty confident with my material. I’m not even sweating as I walk onto the stage.

✽✽✽

“I have all but given up making decisions in my life. That’s what I hate most about restaurants. There’s too much decision process.

“Sometimes you go to a restaurant, it’s late at night. You had a busy day. You just want that experience to be easy. Right?

“Don’t give me choices. ‘Hey, do you want to sit inside, outside? Here’s a menu. It’s 45 pages. Here’s the wine list. There’s about 700 to choose from. Here’s the bread basket. You have 15 choices.’

“Too much, too much. I want a restaurant where I show up, I stand on an X, and they go, ‘Come, sit here. You’re having chicken. No dessert. Leave six bucks for the tip. Thank you.’

“Let me go this far. If there were an adult version of high chairs where you just sat down, they put random food in front of you, and when you were done, you knocked that shit off the tray and spent the rest of the time trying to sneak out, I would eat there every day.

“I know this has to bug my wife though, because now that I make fewer decisions, I store no information on my own hard drive,” I say, tapping the side of my head. “I have now officially turned my wife into my own personal cloud. Any information I get, I don’t store it here.” I tap my head again. “I store it on her hard drive, and I just download that info when I need it. For example, if we go to a restaurant, I just look at her and ask, ‘Do I like the Cesar salad here?’ and she’ll spit out the answer. ‘Thank you, I will not be having the Cesar salad.’

“‘Quick, how do I know this guy? Oh, he’s my hairdresser? Thank you, and by the way, when’s my next appointment?’

“But that’s what marriage is. Give and take. I’ll tell you this, my young friends, and don’t go into a seizure. Did you know that when you get married, your wife moves in with you?

“And when she moves in with you, she’ll make you get rid of everything you had prior to her? Neon signs you stole from bars, that beanbag you stress-pick beans out of, your roommate? Yeah, my wife made me get rid of my roommate. I miss Rob. Me and Rob had the greatest relationship in the entire world. Never once did Rob stick his toes under my butt because they were cold.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love my wife, but I miss Rob. There were certain things I didn’t need to worry about with Rob. Now, fellas, pay attention, because what I’m about to tell you is going to save your life. One day, you will buy a rug with your girl. She’s going to pick out a rug, and this rug will go into your bathroom next to the bathroom tub.

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