Shoe Money

Author:Alderson, Maggie
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781742284477
Publisher: Penguin Group Australia
Published: 2009-10-20T16:00:00+00:00

Quality blondes

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

How do you expect me to know? I’m a blonde.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Although we all get branded with the same ignorant prejudices (see above), there is actually more than one kind of blonde. There is Pamela Anderson and her tarty tribe, there are brunettes in blonde bodies like me, and then there is another kind of blonde. More of your Diana Windsor than your Barbara Windsor.

She’s the Quality Blonde, the kind of girl who makes a pair of jeans, flat J.P. Tod’s shoes and a man’s shirt look ineffably chic. She can sling a little knit around her shoulders without looking contrived. She can wear the tiniest slip dress with high heels without looking cheap. She always has a good watch and a good bag.

She usually has a rich boyfriend too. Not because she’s a gold-digger – the QB usually has plenty of dough of her own – but because, like a Patek Philippe or a Maserati, a genuine QB is a luxury item, as rare as a champion racehorse and usually with as clear a picture of her bloodline.

It’s incredibly annoying, but QBs just seem to come from the deep end of the gene pool. For centuries the richest blokes have married the prettiest gels and the result is an unbroken line of Quality Blondes traceable back to 1066. Many of the daughters of the great English houses have this look (that’s the ones who aren’t walking around in bobble hats and combat trousers …). Girls like Lady Helen Windsor and Lord Mountbatten’s grand daughter India Hicks. They’re blonde, they’re rich, they make you sick.

But with Diana gone, the American Miller sisters, whose megabucks father owns the DFS duty-free shops around the world, are the reigning Quality Blondes of this era. Their blonde hair is always perfectly straight. The only thing straighter than their hair is their teeth. The only thing whiter than their teeth is their pearls. They all married princes, except the one who had to make do with a Getty, poor little love.

The other Queen QB du jour is Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, who married the closest thing America will ever have to Prince William. But before them all, there was Grace Kelly, the all-time Quality Blonde, another American who married a prince. In fact all Hitchcock’s heroines were QBs. They were cool, but hell were they sexy. The QB has a chilly allure like diamonds and champagne, things they wear well and drink copiously. QBs never get pissed and throw up in the roses. They have good deportment.

Like I said, everything about Quality Blondes is annoying. You’ll find them at polo matches and at grands prix, looking perfect in smart casual. Nobody does smart casual like a QB. That’s why Ralph Lauren married one. In fact QBs find it easy to dress well in any style, because they are always very slim and have tiny ankles. They have trouble finding shoes narrow enough.

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