Returning to Normal (Locked Out) by Patrick Jones

Author:Patrick Jones [Jones, Patrick]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Darby Creek Publishing
Published: 2015-03-01T05:00:00+00:00

19.

MONDAY, JUNE 9 / EVENING CHARLESTOWN YMCA MEETING ROOM

“Xavier, would you like to share?” asks Miss Helm, the anger management leader. Do they get a lady who looks as good as her just so guys like me will come to the meetings? I’d share plenty with her, but I got nothing to tell anybody in this class.

“If you don’t participate in the discussion, that’s considering not attending. You weren’t just sentenced to be here, but to make a unique contribution. Do you understand, Xavier?”

I fold my arms around me a little tighter, holding everything inside.

“I ain’t got nothing to say right now,” I mumble. “So I just contributed.”

“We’ll come back to you, Xavier.” And then she moves on the next guy. He starts talking, but I’m tuning him out, trying not to stare at Miss Helm, trying not to think about the text Jennie sent me just before I had to come in here, and trying not to think about Dad. He’s still just showing up in our family—he’s not contributing. Might as well still be in Texas.

Guys keep talking and I end up listening in, although I don’t know why I bother. It’s not like they’re saying anything different. I have no unique contribution because almost everybody in here is telling the same story. It’s like the math story problems we get with too many parts. Start with a family. Subtract the father to the streets, prison, or grave. Add an overwhelmed single mom or overtired grandparent, and multiply that by fear, shame, guilt, and regret. What do you get? Rage.

“Xavier, what do you want to say?” Helm calls me out, which means time’s almost up.

“Whose idea was it to force ten angry men into a small room?” I ask. A couple guys laugh, which is better than crying, which it seemed like some of ’em might do. Miss Helm answers the question like lawyers, social workers, and probation officers do, with big words that have small meaning.

“When the sensation of anger approaches,” she says, “inhale. Take a deep breath. Take as many as you can. Settle yourself. Look for tranquility inside. Resist the anger impulse.”

I actually think that’s good advice: I’ll call Marcus and we’ll inhale as many as we can.

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