Lessons in Becoming Myself by Ellen Burstyn

Author:Ellen Burstyn
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2006-08-14T16:00:00+00:00

During the time I was in London with Jeff, Neil called from California saying he wanted to try again. He said he was down off the Messiah kick and just wanted his family back. I told him I had no more tries left. I said that I wanted a divorce.

Rereading my 1971 diary, I learned that my encounter and time with Reshad served the purpose in my life of helping me separate from Neil. I still hadn’t learned how to be alone. I still thought of myself as a helpmate to a man. Despite my ability to support myself as an independent person, I’d always ended one relationship and immediately begun another. On occasion, they overlapped. Reading the ’69, ’70, and ’71 diaries, I get so impatient with myself for vacillating between understanding Neil’s illness and the kind of delusion that gave rise to entries like: I guess my husband is a crackpot, but he’s awfully cute. I just couldn’t let go. And I certainly couldn’t without having another man present onto whom I could transfer all my projections. In Jungian terms, I’d projected my animus, my inner male self, onto Neil and felt complete only with him. When that relationship faltered because of Neil’s psychosis, I hadn’t yet learned how to withdraw my projections from Neil and stand alone. I had to transfer them to Reshad temporarily and wait until I could then withdraw them from him. That was to come, but we still had a bumpy road to travel together. I never had a strong inner male figure. That’s what having a father builds in the girl child. And without it, I had to build it inside of myself, by myself. I hadn’t even begun.

Two weeks later, I traveled back to Chamonix, this time with my son and his brand-new face. I hadn’t told Reshad when I was coming, but still he met me at the station and embraced me warmly. Jeff and I spent the night in Chamonix and the next morning went up the mountain together for the last day of camp. Jeff was presented to Reshad’s healing class, who had been working on him the whole time they were up there. They were all smiles when they saw the result of their efforts.

On Sunday morning Pir Vilayat was conducting the Universal Worship Service outdoors. An altar had been set up on a plateau. This service was designed by Pir’s father, Hazrat Inayat Khan. A candle is lit to each of the major religions of the world and on the table in front of each candle is the holy book of that religion. Each service is based on a theme. It might be love, union, fidelity, devotion, intention, redemption, or any of the great universal themes. Then there is a reading from the sacred books. The service is a beautiful living demonstration of the fact that all the books say the same things about these themes. The truth lives in all of the religions and speaks clearly from their holy books.

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