Joyous Resilience by Anjuli Sherin

Author:Anjuli Sherin [Sherin, Anjuli]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781623174248
Publisher: North Atlantic Books

Superpower #4: Self-Confidence

The secure attachment fostered by the Nurturer and Protector leads to a real shift away from insecurity to a resilient self-confidence. This confidence is a direct result of the past three traits and their interventions, which allow us to feel mastery or competency in caring for and fending for ourselves, having connections while keeping our sense of dignity intact, and going after opportunities at the right pace and level for us. Our sense of success is no longer bound to positive outcomes; instead, we find pride and achievement in how we move through any experience, and in our ability to be true to ourselves and our values inside difficulty, the unknown, and so-called failure.

Building this sense of confident resilience is rather like building muscle strength through weight training or exercise. We tackle challenges and new learnings in bite-sized segments. We start slowly to build a sense of accomplishment and ease, and as difficulties arise, our inner Nurturer and Protector help us be at ease with being a beginner and reaching out for assistance. When not knowing, failing, and being stuck are no longer considered shameful weaknesses to be hidden and instead are met with nurturance and the ability to reach out to, cultivate, and rely on social connections that are affirming, protective, and present, we automatically begin to thrive. We give ourselves permission to practice allowing self-appreciation, and taking in appreciation from others, so we may experience pride in our accomplishments and the joy that comes from celebration of big and little achievements. As perniciously as self-criticism undermines and chokes our self-confidence, learning to give ourselves positive feedback and receive it from others fosters a sense of inner security and competence derived from the permission to feel good about ourselves. Such confidence produces “feelings of hope, efficacy, optimism” and the presence of resilience,2 making us more likely to take on new tasks, expand our social circle, take risks—and try again if a risk doesn’t pan out.

Dial exercise 4: Ms. Mara felt great healthy pride and relief when she shared her personal and professional triumphs with friends and family, and they shared with her stories of what they thought were some of her best traits. She learned that they saw her as strong because she was able to withstand so many hardships and keep her equilibrium, rather than because she had never revealed any hardships at all. She was glad to see none of them felt she was tooting her own horn or acting prideful. By talking openly about the things she was proud of, she learned for the first time what her family truly felt, which was necessary for the development of her authenticity in relating to them. She had to learn to take these words and feed them to herself, and she also needed to remember how she had taught herself a new language, a new culture, and a whole new vocation bit by bit; and she needed to know that same ability could be applied to learning how to navigate this new landscape of retirement and personal growth.

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