I'll Have What She's Having: My Adventures in Celebrity Dieting by Harrington Rebecca

Author:Harrington, Rebecca [Harrington, Rebecca]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
ISBN: 9780349006048
Publisher: Little, Brown Book Group
Published: 2015-01-15T05:00:00+00:00

Day 2

Victoria Beckham actually tweeted about the alkaline diet relatively recently, and I took it upon myself to find out what that was all about. Usually VB (which is how she signs her Twitter) tweets about her new collection or a “vintage” Spice Girls pizza that has been frozen in her fridge for ten years, so I am assuming this diet is important. I bought the book VB recommends, called Honestly Healthy: Eat with your body in mind, the alkaline way. It’s a really nice-looking cookbook; it even has a vegetable mini-pizza on the front!

Honestly Healthy is based on the idea that you should be eating “alkaline” foods, a.k.a. foods that are not acidic. Luckily, acidic foods happen to be all fats, all meats, all eggs, and most carbohydrates. What a coincidence! It seems to me like a way to cut out all fat by pretending that fat is acid. For example, lemons are alkaline? I mean, that makes as much sense as the lyrics to “Spice Up Your Life.”

My first day on the alkaline diet starts out rather well. I begin the day with a bok choy shake and quinoa-flake porridge with homemade macadamia nut milk and pomegranate seeds. The bok choy shake is whatever (the green drinks are just turning into one long blur at this point), but the porridge is actually absolutely delicious. I love macadamia nut milk! It tastes almost as good as real milk. And the porridge tastes a bit like porridge. Victory in our time.

The problem with flying to great heights is that like the Spice Girls, you think you can do anything. Sponsor a frozen pizza. Call an album Schizophonic. Get really long extensions with one nonmatching streak in them. Guess what? You can’t. You can’t do any of that. Just because you’re in the Spice Girls doesn’t mean that all is permitted. You’re going to fall back to earth eventually.

I experience the fallout from this sort of hubris when I decide to make the falafel in Honestly Healthy. I am flying so high from the whole nut-milk thing, and it actually doesn’t even bother me at first that this falafel is made entirely of seeds and held together by carrots. I just mosey along, like Victoria starting a jeans collection. I realize something is amiss after I grind up all the seeds and the carrots in a blender and try to make falafel-style balls with them. Here is a tip for your future: You cannot make seeds into balls. You just can’t. Even if you bake them at very low heat, like they say to in Honestly Healthy (which is starting to sound like a spiritual text!). It’s simply impossible. I eat a couple of the seeds, but after a while I just give up.

After lunch, I decide to have dinner, which is soybean broth with a bunch of vegetables in it. It is terrible and I throw out most of it. I’m exhausted and hungry, and the food was so disgusting today I realize I didn’t even eat five hands of food.

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