If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo

Author:Meredith Russo
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781250078421
Publisher: Flatiron Books

16

I held Grant’s hand as we pulled out onto the main road. He squeezed mine in return, though his grip seemed weaker than usual. He didn’t say anything, and I didn’t want to press him, but eventually the rattling of the engine started to get to me.

“Grant.” I put a hand over his and leaned over, lightly kissing his cheek. “We’re near the lake. Pull over.”

I used the light on my phone to find a small path and, taking his hand, led him into the woods toward the tree house where we had gone after that first party. I remembered every step of the path; I had thought of that night so many times that I could have made my way to the lake in my sleep. Grant was distracted, or nervous, or both, so he followed my lead. We reached the old tree house and climbed up wordlessly. The lake was as beautiful as last time, though a cold wind whipped across its surface, sending my hair swirling. Grant touched the back of my arm, and suddenly I felt very warm.

“You’re the first person I ever brought home,” he said, pulling me closer. I breathed in sharply and felt a pressure building near the bottom of my stomach. I realized I was shaking. “I’ve been too embarrassed to bring anybody over since we moved into the trailer.”

“Thank you for trusting me,” I said. The silence swelled between us. “When I was fifteen,” I began, feeling like I should tell him about my suicide attempt, like I should trade one of my secrets for his, but he kissed me before I could go any further. Our kiss started innocently enough, just lips pressed together like a dozen times in the past, but then his lips parted and mine parted, and our lips moved like we were whispering silent secrets into each other’s mouths. I felt the tip of his tongue brush my teeth, and then our tongues were touching, and I heard myself whimper without meaning to do it. My knees failed and we lowered ourselves to a kneel, our fingers laced and our mouths never parting.

His fingers brushed the bottom of my stomach. I wanted them there, but years of terror made me brush his hand away. After a moment, I gently took his wrist and put his fingers back where they had been. His hand moved up farther, and then he had the hem of my shirt in both hands, and he was lifting it. I broke our kiss and scuttled backward, breathing heavily and trying to pick just one out of the swirl of feelings fighting to break the surface. I closed my eyes and tossed my shirt aside with trembling hands. We came together again and his hands were everywhere, on my back and sides and stomach and tracing my ribs. He reached behind me and, without breaking the kiss, started to unclasp my bra. Instinctively I backed away again, leaving my bra clasped.

“Can we slow down?” I said, wrapping my arms around myself.

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