If I Can Give You That by Michael Gray Bulla

Author:Michael Gray Bulla
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollinsPublishers
Published: 2022-12-08T00:00:00+00:00

Fifteen

I DON’T TELL MOM WHAT happened with Lucas that night, but I try to bring it up before Plus the next day.

She’s in her room, lying in bed with the covers pulled as far up as they’ll go, just her head peeking out while she watches something on her computer. I plop down on her bed. “What are you watching?”

“How It’s Made,” she says.

“Oh.” I peer around to see her laptop screen and watch it with her for a few minutes, trying not to make it so obvious that I have something important on my mind. Only when the show has moved from talking about rice cookers to folding chairs does Mom press Pause.

“Do you have any plans tonight?” she asks.

“I have Plus. Why?”

“I was thinking about ordering pizza, but I won’t if you’re getting food with your friends.”

“Nah, I’ll probably head straight home after the meeting.”

She nods. “How was the game, by the way? I didn’t get a chance to ask you when I got home.”

This is my opening. “Actually . . .”

From her bedside table, her phone rings. I see the name lighting up the screen before she can answer.

Lucas.

Because of course it is.

The words I was going to say die in my throat.

“Hello?”

I can just barely hear Lucas’s muffled voice on the other end of the line. “Hey, Ana.”

I get up from the bed. I feel sick.

“Gael,” Mom calls after me, and I stop at the doorway, turning around to offer her a halfhearted smile.

The concerned look she gives me doesn’t lessen, even when I say, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

I don’t wait for a response before I leave, shutting the door behind me.

This week’s Plus meeting is about bisexuality and pansexuality, the differences and similarities between them, and why some people might prefer one label over the other. Dakota, who’s pan, leads the meeting. I spend most of the time listening to everyone else, but at one point, we stray off that topic and talk about queer awakenings instead.

“Did you guys ever watch Teen Titans?” one girl says. “I had the biggest crush on Raven.”

That leads people to talk about some of their earliest crushes. After a few minutes, Annie raises her hand.

“I feel kind of like the odd one out most of the time,” she says. “I didn’t really start wondering if I was queer until last year, and I’m still not sure what term fits. Most of my life I just sort of assumed I was straight, and I think I might’ve had crushes on guys when I was younger, but I’m not really sure if those were actual crushes or if I was just trying to fit in?” She looks down. “I’ve liked mostly girls the past few years, but I don’t know if that makes my earlier feelings less real, you know?”

A person to Annie’s left raises their hand. Dakota gestures for them to speak.

“I definitely get that,” they say. “And I don’t know about you, but for me, being genderfluid also kind of complicates it.

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