I Know You by Louise Mullins

Author:Louise Mullins [Mullins, Louise]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781838938062
Publisher: Head of Zeus

HONOUR

Croydon, London

I’m seated in front of my counsellor sipping cold tea she had to remind me to drink. She waits for me to respond but I’m focusing all my attention on taking a sip without spilling the liquid down my front. My hands haven’t stopped trembling since DS Maguire notified me of Natalie’s death and the tremor has grown worse since Marcus broke into my house. My counsellor says it’s a physiological reaction to stress. I put the cup down gently onto the coffee table beside me. ‘Secondary trauma?’

‘It’s common among people who’ve experienced something similarly traumatic to an event they’ve recently been confronted with. You had a reprieve of several weeks where you were beginning to come to terms with what happened to Steven and were intent on considering options that could help you to move forward. But you say you feel your hope has been dashed, that you don’t believe the police will find the culprit responsible now that you’re re-experiencing the grief you felt immediately after your son’s death.’

‘Murder. He didn’t die, Joy, he was killed. And what does re-experiencing even mean? I was just over-compensating for his loss before. Pretending I was starting to heal. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.’

‘I don’t expect you will. But you can learn to live with it because Steven is still a part of you, of your life.’

‘My only son is gone.’

‘Not from your memory. You are still a mother. That doesn’t have to change. Visiting his plaque, laying fresh flowers beside him, cleaning the granite stone, polishing his photograph, tending to him, nurturing him… do you see what I mean?’

‘That makes me a parent?’

‘I’m interested to know how you think Dejuan feels about your shared loss. Have you spoken to Steven’s father since his brother contacted him at the prison to notify him that your son had died?’

‘No. The prison officer passed the message onto him via Shamar. He didn’t even bother to call and ask how I was, has made no effort to discuss the ongoing investigation with his brother. As far as I’m concerned, Dejuan can go and fuck himself with a prison issue pool cue.’

‘You said last week that your sister was a lifeline,’ she says, ignoring my mini-rant.

‘I haven’t spoken to Faith about how I feel regarding Natalie’s murder.’

‘Perhaps you should? You disguised your true feelings behind the appearance of being okay shortly after Steven was murdered, and we discussed the warning signs we would look out for. You remember what they were?’

‘Denying myself the time to appreciate the present, suicidal ideation, hopelessness, tiredness, achiness, coldness, shivering, sleeping in, and lack of appetite.’

She glances noticeably at my crossed legs, palms flat against the armrests of my chair, tooth nibbling the inner side of my cheek. ‘And isolating yourself from others.’

‘By pushing people away, becoming defensive. I know.’

‘Honour, I’d like to feed back to you what I’m noticing right now because I’m concerned with the transference between us here. I’m picking up a progressive slide into negative thoughts.

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